Gaming For Drunkards

How to find a video game that fits your drunk personality
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Left 4 Dead (Valve Corporation)

Left 4 Dead (Valve Corporation)

BFD

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(Man Cave Daily) We here at the Man Cave love us a good ol’ fashioned sober playthrough of a video game. Your head is clear enough to actually advance the plot, find weakpoints on the bosses for massive damage, and finally save that jezebel of a princess and not some shirtless dude with a silly hat.

But every now and then we can’t help but recognize the pure glee that comes from a hilariously sloshy drunkenness while attempting to gun down zombies. It’s really quite the ride. So for your entertainment, I’ve assembled some of the best games to play while drunk, helpfully categorized by the kind of drunk you are. I don’t want to send you into battle with the wrong equipment, no sir. Don’t say I never did nothin’ for ya.


Slap Happily Destructive

As was very only slightly hinted at in the previous paragraph, my drunken game of choice is Valve’s Left 4 Dead, a rip roarin’ good time of tearing through hordes of zombies with three of your best buddies. It’s a game that already has a tongue-in-cheek chic going for it, so adding drunkenness to the mix only makes it more hilarious as you chuck Molotovs into crowds of clown zombies or wade through a pile of ‘em with a chainsaw. There’s also the togetherness factor that you’re not just drunkenly showing those zombies who’s boss, you’re doing it with your closest, wasted friends.

If you’d rather spray bullets in a hilarious fashion towards innocent civilians than the undead, and would also like to add “running over hookers” to the experience, then you’re probably a Grand Theft Auto kinda guy. It can be great fun to try and outrun cops who are seemingly indifferent to you running around with a gun but are shocked when you actually use it; as well as seeing how much wanton mayhem you can cause while blasting Toto’s “Africa” in your stolen pimpmobile. Or helicopter. Even more fun if you sing along.


Angry

I wouldn’t recommend anything for this, because an angry drunk isn’t a cool thing to be, so I wouldn’t want to reinforce your nasty habit. You bastard.

But if you’re going to inflict drunken rage on someone, it might as well be in the virtual world and not actually in the real world where face punches hurt, so just fire up Halo and yell at some 12-year-olds on Xbox Live. They probably deserve it, anyway. There’s just so much racism.  


Filled with Self-Loathing

If you hate yourself and want to sink deeper into that hole, fire up Duck Hunt and relive that terrible dog’s taunting, condescending laugh when you miss.

For more drawn out self-punishment, try The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, but only play the water temple. You won’t be able to find anything ever and damn it, how many times do I have to raise or lower the water level in this awful place.


Happy

You could try a few courses of Mario Kart, but only if you no longer want to be happy. The Spiky Blue Shell of Inconvenient Timing will see to that. It strikes just as you’re about to win the race and then your friends pass you and tell you that you suck at the game. We’d like to give you advice that keeps your pride intact, so lets move on.

You could also play thatgamecompany’s epic Journey to experience a breathtaking sense of beauty with stunning visuals and soundtrack, and togetherness with your fellow man as you help each other along your probably pilgrimage. Though you should honestly probably just be really high for this one.


Attention Whore

If you’re drunkenly playing video games but still want people to look at you for whatever reason, you could try and turn the gaming session to more of a karaoke bar and coax your friends into playing Rock Band so you can show off those golden pipes of yours. Though do understand that no one will be happy with you, especially when you keep hogging the mic to screech “Don’t Stop Believin’” for the fifth time. But again–I already recommended you a much better Journey.

You could also show off some sweet dance moves with Dance Dance Revolution, but do understand that if you try and do “Sandstorm” on Heavy mode, you’re going to throw up.


Lonely

There’s been a caveat to most of these games so far in that if you want to get the most enjoyment out of them, you’ll need a few friends. But what to do if you’re stuck in alone for the night or you’re just generally a loner anyway? Find some virtual company in The Sims, and create a family and friends to shower in love and affection. Or drive them insane and ruin their fragile minds, depending on whether or not you’re also a sociopath.

The Mass Effect series is also fantastic for making fake virtual friends, as you can foster relationships with your teammates throughout the series by way of extended conversation. You can also bone some of them!


Just Completely $#!@ Wasted

Just turn on the TV and hold a makeshift controller you assembled by stapling a pair of headphones, an empty bag of Chex Mix, and an old Amazon box together. You’ll probably fall asleep before you realize that your sad pawing at your poor excuse for electronics does not dictate Kramer’s wacky antics, and I would recommend getting some coconut water and making several fried egg sandwiches upon waking.

– Patrick Braud, Man Cave Daily


Patrick is a writer and comedian living in Chicago. He will note that you would be absolutely correct to point out the seemingly glaring omission of Super Smash Bros., but come on y’all. That’s a given. He’s got a  Tumblr  where he puts up lil’ doodles and lists and you can follow him on Twitter @fatfraud.

Patrick most recently wrote about gaming in regards to self hatred with a look at if most games were as depressing as Spec Ops: The Line. He also got crazy drunk and gave you tips on how you can drunk, too with his sendup of shower beers.

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