TV shows make their millions any way they can. And when fans aren’t busy biting cast members from the walking dead, they’re buying endless amounts of their merchandise. And the newest thing for you to buy combines one of the best shows with one of the loneliest activities: A Walking Dead adult coloring book. It’s ninety pages long and full of gruesome, zombie-killing vignettes. If that’s not up your alley, maybe you’re more excited about the brand of Pinot Noir that Tituss Andromedon from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is coming out with. Pinot Noir by Titus is $25 bucks, fresh from Santa Barbara and coming out March 14th.
Cooking well is a beautiful thing. Cooking naked could get dangerous. But that apparently hasn’t stopped the American people, because in a recent survey they discovered that 15% of Americans, nearly 36 million people, admitted they’ve cooked in the nude before. In addition 29% of people said that cooking a really fantastic meal is better than sex itself. In addition, almost one-quarter of the respondents admitted to using their cooking skills to impress and/or seduce a companion. Though, if you’re dead-set on cooking without clothing, you should strongly consider raw foods.
Let’s give a warm welcome to the newest resident of the Bay Area: Zika! Right after the first case in Napa was announced, San Francisco had to upstage it with their first case. The pregnant woman in Napa had traveled to Central America recently and tested positive for the Zika virus upon her return. The pregnant woman in San Francisco tested positive a month ago, but the city didn’t think it was a good idea to announce it until now. There was also a case reported in Alameda County. But they’ve assured everyone that there is no transmission of the virus in the Bay Area and that the mosquitos infected with the virus are not here. Google will help out a Bay in need, though. They have pledged to donate $1 million dollars to fight the Zika virus.
If you’re tired of that pesky drone hovering in the window as you get undressed, I have a solution for you. There is a new startup that claims they’ve created a net-launcher that will capture any drone and bring it down to the ground safely. If there’s a rogue drone in your area, just grab the net launcher, hoist it over your shoulder like a bazooka and launch. What comes out is a shell with a net and a parachute that will effectively trap the drone and bring it down without damaging it, assuming you can aim. And what if there are thousands of them and you want to bring them all down without being conspicuous? They’ve thought of that, too. They claim this thing shoots almost silently and can reload in 8 seconds.
Occasionally on our show we will call a local newspaper and force interviews upon them as part of our $0 marketing campaign. But the days of doing forced interviews might be numbered, because they’ve just announced several newspapers in the Bay are going under. Say goodbye to the Oakland Tribune, the Conta Costa Times, the Argus in Fremont and the Daily Review in Hayward. In a time where people only use newspapers to line their hamster cages, the daily publications have been suffering for some time. And the answer now is to consolidate and cut 20% of the staff. All these papers will be replaced with two bigger ones: The San Jose Mercury news and the San Mateo County Times. They will now be the only papers you see in the East and South Bay. Street Sheets? Still going strong.
The GOP debates are getting more and more mature as time goes on. The nominees have moved on from insulting each other’s height and sweating habits and have gone straight to penis size. I’m glad we’ve finally gotten to the hard-hitting topics. But Trump seems to be shifting his views on immigration. In fact, his campaign seems to have photo-shopped brown skin onto one of their t-shirt models, just a little extra push to appeal to minorities. The model’s skin looks to be the color of control-top pantyhose, and looks so unbelievably fake even they couldn’t leave it up. The pictures have been removed. But more importantly, Marco Rubio lost a very important voter because he said some not-so-nice things about Buffalo Wild Wings. He has lost Useless Weirdo aka Wing Fingers’ vote for sure. He accused one of the professors at Trump University as being “a manager at a Buffalo Wild Wing.” Just one wing??
BART loves that people are using their services to get to work and lowering your carbon footprint in the process. Trouble is, they just don’t want you to take BART when everyone else wants to take it. Overcrowding is becoming a real issue and as a result, they’re offering perks if you change your life and take transit during off-peak hours. It’s a new rewards system where every time you use BART outside of rush hour, you’ll get points which can win you cash prizes. You can even play fun games like spin the wheel or snakes and ladders and win up to $100. Many of these games can be played online. This is all to help with the fact that congestion between 7am and 8:30 has gone up 4x in the last five years.