Uber drivers and vomit are like peas and carrots these days. They’re made for each other. Rideshare drivers encounter barf on a regular basis, which is why both Uber and Lyft give their drivers $200 towards getting their cars cleaned when a mess is made. But of course with any promise of $200, there are liars that will stop at nothing to get it. And Uber drivers planting fake vomit in their cars to get money is becoming a real thing. And it’s fine to rip off a large company, but these $200 cleaning fees aren’t coming from them, they’re coming from the alleged passenger that threw up inside the car. Passengers are now speaking out saying they’ve been charged for cleaning fees when they didn’t throw up. In some cases, the fake vom was on the front seat when the passenger insists they sat in the back. It is a large, stinky, growing epidemic.
This world needs more ice age lions. And thanks to science, it could be possible. Last year, two lion cubs from the ice age were found in Siberia, perfectly frozen. Scientists are now attempting to use the DNA from these frozen cubs to clone them and make them alive again. They were so well-preserved that even the whiskers are still intact, so the chances of them finding usable DNA are higher than ever. They’re also trying to do this with a mammoth. And if Jurassic Park has taught us anything, it’s that this is all a great idea and only going to turn out well.
Well, my fellow large-fore-headed football aficionado has confirmed that Super Bowl 50 was his last appearance on the field. Peyton Manning is retiring and is expected to make a formal announcement during a press conference today. After 18 seasons, two Super Bowl wins, 539 passing touchdowns and 200 million Papa John’s pizzas, it is time to say goodbye. Already people like Tom Brady are giving him kudos, saying he “changed the game forever and made everyone around him better.” Bill Belichick said he respects his work though he never “enjoyed” their meetings, and others are just hoping Papa John retires his pizzas.
If you’re sick of getting text messages with seventy exclamation points on them, this news should make you happy. Over in England, where all good English starts, the Department of Education has issued a new set of guidelines limiting the amount of exclamation points students can use while writing. Worldwide, people have gotten used to using exclamation points for pretty much everything, and they want to be the first to put their foot down and say “No More!!” Students can now only use them when a sentence starts with ‘how’ or ‘what.’ Example: What a lovely day! Not OMFG Liam from One Direction brushed his hair!!!!! Teachers are already complaining, saying these guidelines are impossible to follow and stunting the creativity of students.
If there’s one thing we know, it’s that peeling oranges is nearly impossible. Thank God Whole Foods has found a way around it by selling pre-peeled oranges in plastic containers for the low price of $6 a pop. We already learned that millennials don’t have time to eat cereal anymore, so why would they have time to peel their own oranges? That’s what Whole Foods thought when making these ready-to-go containers, but after a significant amount of backlash they’ve pulled them from the shelves because what millennials care more about is screwing up the environment with more plastic. So alas, pre-peeled oranges have now joined asparagus water in the Whole Foods graveyard.
Many are reacting to Nancy Reagan passing away yesterday at the age of 94. We actually lost many people this weekend. The creator of R2D2 Tony Dyson died at the age of 68. Ray Tomlinson, the inventor of email died at 74, country singer Joey Feek and famed author Pat Conroy. But many politicians took a break from their own cat-fights to pay tribute to Mrs. Reagan. Donald Trump said she was an amazing woman and the wife of a truly great president. Ted Cruz said she’ll be remembered for her deep passion to this nation, and Marco Rubio said “r2d2 was my fav. Sorry to hear about your daddy.”
You see homeless people asking for money all the time, some just ask for food or weed, especially in the Haight. Sometimes they get shamed for not getting a job and turning their lives around. But one homeless guy from Sacramento is all over the news because instead of asking for money, he handed out job resumes, and the happy ending? It actually led to him getting a job! He was outside a Smart & Final, sitting on a sleeping bag with multiple resumes neatly laid out, along with a sign that read “need work and food.” He also had his food handler’s certificate, Social Security card and ID on hand to show that he was serious about finding work. Sure enough, someone offered him a job as a cook at a downtown restaurant called Pizza Rocks.
The weather is not great right now. El Nino is a bitch. And weather people have a tough job. They deserve a break. And who better to step in and tell you about today’s highs and lows than Flavor Flav. He interrupted a weather report in Salt Lake City with this very special report: WATCH
Several town meetings have been held in Embden, Maine about changing the name of Katie Crotch Road. That’s the name of one of the streets in the town, but it’s the only one that seems to get stolen on a weekly basis. They say it costs several hundred dollars a year to replace the Katie Crotch Road sign, and though the motion to change the name was rejected four years ago, it could all change at this upcoming Town Hall meeting. They don’t even know how this street got its name in the first place, so it’s unclear just why people are so set on keeping the sign. They say ‘You would think every dorm room in the state of Maine should have one by now.’