Are you a lowly cheating jerkface? Then your significant other should pick up this new mattress. Don’t worry, it’s not so they can move out. But it is a brand new high tech mattress that can detect when you have a stranger in your bed and bust you for cheating. It’s a little pricey at about $1700, but it’s comes with twenty-four ultrasonic sensors measure “suspicious movement” in the bed, transmitting data of the tryst, including a 3D mattress model to show where most of the exertion is taking place. It has vibration sensors built into the mattress fabric and their tagline is “If your partner isn’t faithful, at least your mattress is.”
We can’t let you get through your week without telling you something that will kill you today: those Dyson hand blowers you’ve been using in the bathroom to try and be a better person. When you go to any given bathroom, there’s usually a paper towel dispenser. Then, right next to it is that damn hand dryer guilt tripping you into doing something good for the environment. When the Dyson dryers came out it was a Godsend because it shaved off minutes and hours of your life that was once spent drying your hands. But now it’s literally shaving hours of your life because of all the germs they’re spreading. Studies have shown these jet dryers caused 60 times more plaques than conventional hand dryers and nearly 1300 times more plaques than drying your hands with a paper towel. On top of that, they found that viruses lingered in the air more after using a jet dryer. So, back to paper towels we go. I’m never looking back.
She was America’s grandma, Ray Romano’s mom, Randy Quaid’s wife, and now after six decades in Hollywood Doris Roberts has passed away at the ripe old age of 90. Whether you knew her from The Love Boat, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation or from her Emmy award winning performance as Ray’s mom in Everybody Loves Raymond, she was a way better CBS employee than we can ever hope to be. Ray Romano said she “had an energy and a spirit that amazed me. She never stopped. She did it all with such a grand love for life and people and I will miss her dearly” and Randy Quaid said “I’d let her extradite me any day.” (not true.) Rest in peace Doris. You were quite a lady.
It was an eventful opening weekend at Coachella with Guns & Roses’ tour bus breaking down, Bernie Sanders introducing Run the Jewels, and Ice Cube reuniting with NWA. But don’t think people were having too much fun out there. More people than ever were taking a break from their Molly-induced rain dancing and filing their tax documents at the Lincoln Log Post office. There is one tiny post office at Coachella which really isn’t even a post office, it’s more for emergencies. But the workers there claim they were inundated with people trying to send their taxes forms out last minute in the midst of the Coachella craziness. The woman who runs the campground post office said “I just can’t take it. How do they have their taxes here?” It looks like the IRS is going to have a slew of tax returns decorated with glitter and vomit.
Gone are the days when people rode simple bicycles outdoors with moving wheels. Now people can ride anywhere in their minds with all these new spin and soul cycle classes. But get ready for the next generation: IMAX spin classes. That’s right, screw the imagination! Now it’s all about HD imagery in the round, and that’s what IMAXshift is offering starting later this month. They promise crystal-clear audio, hyper-real imagery on a legendary giant IMAX screen which will completely immerse riders in a full sensory workout experience. I know people usually aren’t at their best when they’re sitting in an IMAX theater, but this new workout promises to combine the world’s laziest with the world’s peppiest to make the most annoying hybrid known to man.
You can’t argue with science. They said there was going to be a big earthquake coming, and they were right. A 7.8 magnitude struck in Ecuador, their strongest in decades, and it all happened right around the 110th anniversary of the 1906 earthquake in San Francisco, which was also a 7.8 and killed 3,000 people. So we can put our fears to rest now, right?? Well no, there’s also the super volcano we need to worry about. Underneath Yellowstone National Park there is a reservoir of magma that they’ve just discovered is twice the size as researchers previously thought. Sure, it hasn’t erupted in 640,000 years, but it’s finally back up to the lava level it had been when it erupted, so we’re due for another one soon and scientists say it will have global consequences. Yay!
As many of you know, the new season of Game of Thrones starts this Sunday. And as people review just who died, who lived, and who walked the walk of shame, we are reminded of Cercei and the scene that gave us the theme song for the week in shame. But Lena Headey, the woman who plays Cercei, has finally responded to the shaming she received for her shaming scene. She was getting shame shamed because she used a body double during her naked walk through the village at the end of Season 5. But she said she doesn’t object to nudity at all and has done it in the past. She just admitted that as an actress she gets very emotional and doing the scene actually naked with people throwing things at her would make her angry which wasn’t really in character. So she thought it best to leave it to a professional naked lady. Can I be a professional naked lady?? Wait…nevermind.
There’s no shortage of wearable technology these days, but let’s be honest. We won’t be happy until every piece of tech is attached to our faces and eyeballs. So you’ll be happy to know there is now wearable electronic skin. Don’t worry about watching a movie on your laptop or your phone. Just hold up your hand and enjoy the viewing experience. Engineers in Japan claim they’ve created an ultra-thin film that can be attached to the back of your hand or even your face, and can track your fitness progress as well as any Fitbit. It’s a little complicated right now on how it actually syncs to your phone or computer, but before long we could all be playing Candy Crush on our own hands. Or of course, watching porn.