This news makes me confident that we’re definitely in the wrong business. Because Kevin had a brand new puppy for about a week and had he been given paw-ternity leave, he might have been able to keep the little guy. While San Francisco has been the first to guarantee six weeks of paid paternity leave, other companies are beginning to offer paid leave when you adopt a new pet into your home. You’d think this started right in the heart of San Francisco where there are more dogs than babies, but it mainly started with pet food and pet insurance companies and has now spread throughout the country. Some companies offer a few hours to get settled, and some offer several weeks of fully paid time off. Almost makes me want to get a shar’pe.
Listen up, stoners. I know you’re running out of things to do when you’re stoned. If you’ve played every video game and eaten every Dorito, you can now turn to stoner-themed adult coloring books. They call it coloring for “high-minded adults.” If you hated adult coloring books before, open up this coloring book and see a drawing of a piece of pizza running towards a giant bong, you may change your tune. Or maybe you’d prefer the giant psychedelic school bus or the giant barrage of kitties on staircases.
This weekend the Prince tributes continued and they will likely never stop until Lady Gaga beats it like a dead horse. SNL did an hour long tribute with Jimmy Fallon, Bruce Springsteen opened his Brooklyn show with Purple rain, Elton John shared Prince stories during his show in Vegas, and Dave Chappelle paid tribute here in San Francisco during his early morning standup show at the Chapel. He spent most of his four hour show talking about Prince and their history, and referred to his death as “the black 9/11.” He almost cancelled his show, but decided that Prince would have wanted him to go on. And then there’s Prince’s drug dealer who paid tribute by telling the entire world about his 25 year addiction to pain killers, saying he spent as much a $40,000 on a six month supply of Delaudid and Fentanyl patches. Sounds like a great way to repay your best customer (wtf??). He asks to be called only Doctor D.
You can have a waitress bring you your daiquari, but wouldn’t it be so much better if a flying robot did it instead? That’s why students at a Dutch University have come together to create the world’s first drone café, where an autonomous flying object will bring you your drinks. Sure it cost a couple thousand dollars to make these drones, but then you don’t have to worry about paying them. They’ll never not show up for their shift because they have an audition for New Girl. But they will come right over to your table and hover there as you place your order. Just simply point to what you want on the menu, the drone will register your order and the bring it to you one cup at a time, because that’s all it can carry. Just like a regular server!
I wish I lived in a world where Jay-Z cheated on Beyonce with Rachel Ray. Unfortunately that’s not the case, but a lot of people thought it was, which is good enough for me. Maybe you were watching HBO because of Game of Thrones, but the “Bey-hive” was watching because Beyonce just released an hour long video on HBO called Lemonade, all about her husband’s possible infidelity. After its release, a fashion designer named Rachel Roy insinuated she is Jay-Z’s mistress from the video. But many people didn’t know who that was, so they just assumed it was Rachel Ray, the Queen of the 30 minute meal. As a result, the bey-hive swarmed around her instagram page, pledging to throw her cookbook in the trash. They also sent bee and cheeseburger emojis saying things like “I bet that’s exactly what you were whipping up in Jay Z’s kitchen while Beyoncé was out performing.” A little EVOO couldn’t get her out of this one. She has yet to comment because she’s too busy whipping up an “Orange you glad it’s sweet potato mash.” As she should be.
Rachel Ray isn’t the only one who gets trolled on social media. Pretty much everyone trolls or has been trolled at one point, but perhaps that will change because some sites are thinking of charging people for the comments that you leave. Would you still say “F*ck you you f**king f**k” if you had to pay $10 for to do it? Several large news publishers have adopted a new system on their sites where readers can earn points, which can be used to buy more prominent placement for their comments at the end of news stories. For example the Chicago Tribune and the LA Times will sell you 880 points for $10 and the minimum price of a promoted spot is 15 points. So if you’re the person who feels your comments are God’s gift to the internet, you’re gonna have to pay the price.