Maybe you read some of these trending new stories and think to yourself “I’m gonna do the world a favor by sharing this valuable information with others online.” Maybe you’ll add a witty hashtag or maybe just a capitalized “THIS.” But if you do that, it turns out you’re a total idiot. A new study claims that reposting things makes you dumber because “The sharing leads to cognitive overload, and that interferes with the subsequent task,” In fact, the simple act of “retweeting” interfered with people’s understanding of the contents of the message. So, share the news!!
A-Hole phones. They’ve been invented. I’m not talking about the iPhone I’m talking about the world’s smallest phone, which has apparently been invented and is doing really really well in prisons because they’re super easy to shove inside of yourself. It’s called the Zanco Fly and its screen is just .66 inches wide. In its entirety it’s about the size of a car key and prison inmates are buying these things on Amazon by the hundreds. One inmate said I can get it up my butt with no problem. They’re very small and easy to hide, so they’re all over the place in the prison system. Apparently this is why you don’t’ see a lot of iPhone 6 pluses in prison. Another prisoner said “that being said, I knew a dwarf who plugged a Blackberry.”
This weekend people witnessed President Obama’s last white house correspondence dinner. Last year we heard some great jokes from Cecily Strong, and this year we heard from Larry Wilmore, who was not nearly as impressive at Obama himself. While Wilmore made jokes about how both Obama and the Warriors love raining bombs from long distances, Obama was making slick Game of Thrones references and dropping mics. As for the election, he said he wishes them well whoever she may be, and now he looks forward to wearing his mom jeans in peace.
People love getting offended these days. It seems no one can release an ad campaign without controversy. Whether it’s a Baby Gap ad with a white girl resting an elbow on a black girl or a model who’s a little too skinny, people have something to say about it. But the newest Old Navy ad is stirring up all kinds of controversy, but not for the reason you’d think. It’s an ad featuring an interracial couple and their baby. A white guy is sporting a jean polo while holding his African American wife and their beautiful baby. Seems nice, and forward thinking, but you know who hates it? Racists! Some people have been boycotting Old Navy all their lives, but racists are offended by this ad and have pledged to boycott every bright floral printed polo shirt. They were being trolled on twitter by people saying things like “Old Navy HATES White babies!” And “Stop the #WhiteGeocide” and “what is the baby daddy in jail?”
Thanks to tips from Mr. Cowchella himself, people everywhere are gearing up for festival season. Many are particularly excited to see Radiohead, who are headlining Outsidelands. But it seems the band has done what every one of your preachy Facebook friends loves to do: gone completely off the grid. Fans were freaking out this weekend as their website went completely blank, their Tweets were deleted, and their online presence is completely fading away into the depths of the internet. You’d think a band that was mainly popular in the 90’s wouldn’t great such a stir, but the internet is full of surprises. So, is this Radiohead permanently fading into the abyss? Personally, I think they’re doing this for the same reason preachy Facebook people do it: attention.
The Warriors had a nice win yesterday against the Blazers. Draymond Green got himself a triple-double of 23 points, 13 rebounds, and 11 assists. But we almost lost him to McDonald’s coupons. These days advertisers will do pretty much anything to be noticed, and that includes parachuting free french fry coupons into the stadium during a huddle. As soon as the players gathered together, a slew of tiny white parachutes rained down all over the crowd, each one holding a coupon for a free medium fry. They were meant for the fans of course, but that didn’t stop several of them from landing all over the players while they were trying to focus on the game. Two of them flew right into Draymond’s lap as he was having an important chat with Steph Curry. But hey, professionals need fries too. Thankfully it wasn’t too much of a distraction.
We don’t need another Forbes list to tell us rent is expensive in the Bay Area, but here it is anyway. They released the newest list of best and worst places for renters in America. The good news is that we are NOT number one. The bad news is that we are numbers two, three, and four for highest rent in the country. San Jose was fourth, with an average of $2400 per month. San Francisco was third at nearly three thousand, and Oakland came in second at $2,000. The reason it beats out the others is because the rent is increasing at a rate of 10% every year, which is more than any other city. New York City took number one with an average of $4,300 a month. If you want to take advantage of the best rent in the country, go to Indianapolis, where the average rent is $786…Phoenix and Vegas were the biggest cities on that list.
The Bay Bridge chicken came and went. We’re over the Bay Bridge Chihuahua now. And the next animal to achieve local fame is the black cat at Sharks Ice Rink. Just before Game 1 against the Predators began, a little black cat was running around the rink trying like hell to get to safety. They were able to grab it and get it to an animal shelter where it’s being scanned for a microchip to make sure it has no owner. Some would say a black cat is a sign of bad luck, but the Sharks are thinking just the opposite since they’ve already taken a series lead. They even named the cat after their team captain. Its name is now “Joe PAW-velski.” They’ve already thanked him and said they hope to see him at the next game.
Starbucks is no stranger to lawsuits. They’ve been sued for discrimination, for not filling their cups up enough, and every time news anchors love making jokes about Starbucks being in a “latte of trouble.” But the latest lawsuit is perhaps the most ridiculous. Some woman is suing Starbucks because they are swindling her by putting too much ice in their drinks. But the weird part is, she kind of has a point. For a Venti iced drink, they advertise you get 24 ounces of liquid. But after they fill the entire thing with ice, you really only get 14 ounces out of it. So I assume she’s suing for false advertising. I still don’t think she’ll win, but she’s not wrong about the ice scam that plagues America.