There’s nothing worse than getting on a plane, going right to the back (because that’s where you bought your seat) only to be greeted by a screaming child. But it’s not only hard on the passengers, it’s sucks for new moms who have to be “that lady” with the unruly infant at 30,000 feet. Some new moms don’t even want to travel because they’re so afraid of the judgmental stares. But Mother’s Day is just around the corner, and Jet Blue celebrates by finding a way for you to actually enjoy screaming children. By giving you free airfare. If you’re flying Jet Blue and a screaming child is aboard, every time that child cries they will take 25% off of your next round trip flight. So if a baby cries four times, you fly free! Not sure how that works out if the baby continuously cries throughout the entire flight, and who knows if this will result in passengers walking up to a baby and slapping it in the face to get a free plane ticket, but it’s a reward so good it almost makes a crying baby worth it.
If you go to Burning Man, you’ll most likely say goodbye to life’s luxuries and hello to dancing naked with goggled hippies. You might even get shamed for using Wifi or a tent that’s a little too cushy. But the rich people of San Francisco are sick of being shamed, so what did they do? They created their own Burning Man festival for the 1%ers of the world. It’s called Further Future: a three day festival where you can hang in the desert and do drugs while never being too far away from a Nobu. In fact, Nobu has a $250-a-seat dinner to kick off the first night. You can hang with all the biggest tech CEO’s, never be disconnected from the internet, and you can even have a personal “festival assistant.” You can bring your personal chef, your tricked out trailer, and close a deal on a new app all while tripping on LSD. So if you’ve been afraid of Burning Man for fear of going without, Further Future might be just what you’re looking for.
A rubber chicken? Hilarious. Rubber IN your chicken? Not as hilarious, but still funny. Eating real rubber chicken can kill you, which is why it was probably a good move for Foster Farms to recall their nuggets after finding actual rubber inside them. I know those frozen nuggets you eat alone in your living room make you feel like a real winner, but you might want to throw them out because they just discovered many of them are contaminated with bits of extraneous blue plastic and black rubber materials. Several people complained after seeing bits of blue and black inside of their “nugget-shaped chicken patties,” which was then reported and has now led to a recall of 220,000 pounds of chicken. And this comes just a few years after a bunch of their chicken was contaminated with salmonella, resulting in hundreds of people getting sick. So if you notice your nuggets taste more rubbery than usual, switch over to Tyson for a while.
I don’t think anyone drafted Queen Elsa in the show’s Gay Pool. But I’m kicking myself for it now. Kicking myself with my own Doc Martins. Because as rumors of Frozen 2 begin to circulate, it seems the world really really wants Elsa to be gay. So much so that a Twitter campaign has begun using the hashtag #giveelsaagirlfriend. People were obsessed with Elsa from the beginning since she’s a strong woman who don’t need a man to make her powerful. Many think her coming out as “magical” is just a metaphor for gayness anyway. So the logical next step of course is to strap some Birkenstocks on her and give her a girlfriend. People have been lobbying for Disney to be at the forefront of change. Some are even animating fake girlfriends for her, one of them being an Indian princess. I don’t know if Disney is ready for a bi-racial lesbian princess couple, but regardless second base with Elsa would be very comfortable.
Self-driving cars are here. Apparently self-driving vans are on the way too thanks to a new partnership between Google and Fiat. But we all know the real reason we’re eager to get in a self-driving car. It’s so we can have sex in them. Experts are now predicting that as soon as self-driving cars hit the road, there will be a huge uptick in the amount of sex had in said moving vehicles. Here’s the opinion of expert Barrie Kirk of the Canadian Automated Vehicles Centre of Excellence “I am predicting that, once computers are doing the driving, there will be a lot more sex in cars. That’s one of several things people will do which will inhibit their ability to respond quickly when the computer says to the human, ‘Take over.”
Sure we’re creating self-driving cars and then having sex in them, but at least we’re not raising people from dead, right? Wrong! We’re doing that too, because science knows no boundaries. It’s just another step toward the zombie apocalypse. A biotech company will test 20 patients who are either brain dead or totally dead and inject a combination of stem cells & peptides to basically give the brain a “jump start” and get it up and running again. If you’ve seen the last episode of Game of Thrones, these scientists are basically a modern version of the red woman. But if this works, they could essentially erase someone’s history and restart their life anew. Which sounds kinda nice aside from the fact that you’re starting all over again in your old-ass body.
Most people take a foreign language at some point in their schooling. Most of us retain none of it, especially French. But you retained even less of it if this person was your teacher:
If you have a toothache, go to a dentist. If you have a toothache and you’re poor, go to a dental college. And if you’re REALLY hurting on cash, you can take your child to a dental college where they can enjoy copious amounts of Nitrous Oxide. University of Iowa has just apologized because they gave over a hundred children way too much Nitrous during standard procedures. They claim this happened because they were remodeling and in the process they switched the location of the Nitrous with the location of the Oxygen. So for a month straight they were giving people way too much laughing gas, and now they say they’re very very sorry and there is a very very small risk of long term healthy problems. Is an apology enough? Is it worth it for the money you save going to a dental school for your procedures? Or will we see many many lawsuits in this school’s future? Probably the ladder.