People just don’t get naked like they used to. God invented hot naked people and gross naked people, and for some reason he made it so that the ones who want to be naked are the gross old ones. The baby boomers of the world are now old & wrinkly, and they still love being naked, but they’re running into a problem. They’re having trouble recruiting young nudists. Millennials just don’t want to be naked in public for some reason. Older nudists are trying to draw them in to no avail, and as a result 90% of most nudist organizations are over the age of 35. And that’s fine up until you have an entire nudist colony that needs maintaining and no one can do the physical labor because they’re all too old. So, why don’t millennials like to be naked? Are they more self-conscious? Are they too cool to be part of a nudist group? Or are they just turned off by the thought of spending your weekends with naked old people? We may never know.
There are all kinds of alcohol infusions these days. Most recently we talked about a taco-infused IPA for Cinco de Mayo, bacon-infused vodka, sriracha beer, the list never ends. If there’s bacon or sriracha involved, it’s been made into an alcohol of some kind. But what about a nice gecko-tini? Or a wine infused with tiger bones? Doesn’t sound like a appetizing happy hour, but one guy thought it was a great idea to make more alcohol infusions with rare animals, and now it’s landed him in jail. Maybe people would get on board with this if there was any kind of health benefit attached to it. Even if Gecko tasted remotely like bacon, people would be on board. But the truth is it’s just as disgusting as it sounds. Liquor infused with ‘crow pheasant’ isn’t exactly flying off the shelves either. Plus there’s the fact that killing rare animals just so you can drink them is illegal. Thankfully, we won’t be seeing lizard-gimlets anytime soon.
It’s easy to forget you have family when they’re just a bunch of lowlives who don’t produce hit music and generate millions of dollars. But when you’re related to Prince, it’s worth remembering. When someone like him dies without leaving a will, it’s worth digging into your family tree just to make sure you aren’t entitled to at least a sliver of that Purple Rain money. He is worth about $300 million dollars after all, so naturally people are scrambling to prove they’re somehow related to Prince so they can get some of that sweet inheritance. Since his death, over 700 people have come forward saying they’re his siblings, half-siblings, and one man is even saying he’s Prince’s son. Isn’t it amazing how he didn’t realize it until now, when money is involved? Nonetheless he claims he is the “sole legal surviving heir” to Prince’s fortune. This all comes right after a judge ordered DNA testing on anyone claiming they’re his family. So, let blood be drawn! My guess is out of 700 ‘half-siblings,’ 700 of them will be full of shit.
These days, pretty much every parent shares every millisecond of their baby’s life on social media. Did they crap their pants? Post a picture. Too much nitrous oxide at the dentist? Make a viral video. And though we all love seeing your child high on laughing gas, that kid eventually grows up to see the slew of embarrassing pictures and videos they never gave permission to post. And the best part is, they might legally be allowed to sue you for this, or even put you in jail. Some countries might be adopting a new policy after learning that on average parents post about 200 pictures of their children every year. By the time a kid is five years old, they could have over a thousand pictures online they never wanted up there. Especially if it’s you sitting on a toilet or in a bathtub. Parents, you think it’s all fun and likes now, but you won’t be laughing when your kid slaps a lawsuit on you and you have to pay them $35,000 and spend up to a year in prison. So do us all a favor: just stop.
‘Grab some Americas.’ Not as catchy as ‘Grab some Buds,’ but it works. Yup, Anheuser-Busch is changing the name of America’s favorite beer. Throughout the summer and up until the election, they’re taking their iconic Budweiser name and changing it to something a little more American. And what’s the most American thing they could think of? That’s right. ‘Merica. Their creative director even gave a weirdly confusing statement about the change, saying “We thought nothing was more iconic than Budweiser and nothing was more iconic than America.” Which means the two are basically interchangeable, so why relabel millions of perfectly good beer cans?! But now Donald Trump’s message is stronger than ever “make beer great again.”
It’s always good when you’re sitting in your seat on an airplane, getting ready to fly the friendly skies, and right before turning on your airplane mode you see a last minute headline reading “Exposed Engine Causes Emergency Landing.” Yes, that was a lovely headline to read right before I got on my flight back home. A Delta flight had to land abruptly while traveling from Atlanta to Chicago after passengers looked out the window and noticed something slightly odd. There was a bit of turbulence, and they looked over the wing only to notice a giant chunk of the plane’s engine totally exposed. The cover had apparently come off mid-flight, so they mentioned it to the staff and decided a decomposing plane was a decent reason to land.
Ladies, hike up your skirts and get in line for Hollywood’s newest eligible bachelor. You know you want it. Ozzy Osbourne has rumoredly split from Sharon and has even moved out of the house, leaving an empty side of the bed with your name on it. They’ve been married thirty-three years, have three kids, but have had problems before due to Ozzy’s many stints with drugs. SO many drugs. Many thought this time around it was about a relapse, but he insists he has been sober for ‘three and a quarter years.’ But the rumor is that he was having an affair with his 45 year-old hair dresser. My guess? He thought it was just an extra part of the cut & color.
Do you constantly roll your eyes at your significant other? It sure is annoying when they open their mouth and say anything ever, isn’t it? Well this might come as a shock to you but if you do that on a regular basis, divorce is probably in your future. According to new research, the number one predictor of divorce is name-calling, eye-rolling, and sarcasm in general. You could choose to get in a fight or you could just wait and let it build up like any hot blooded passive aggressive American. It sure feels good shooting lasers at your loved ones, but just know that it’s going to end in tears and divorce papers. Sarcastic comments like ‘I’ll bet you do!’ or ‘Oh, that was super funny” will certainly make your partner feel contempt and rage and maybe even want to kill you. Other divorce signs are saying the words “whatever,” constantly bringing up arguments from the past, or telling your partner they’re overreacting.
With the birth of the internet, there’s a lot of shaming going on these days. Passenger shaming, body shaming, and more importantly dog owner shaming. Taking pictures of someone leaving their dog droppings and posting it online is an everyday occurrence nowadays. But when someone leaves their dog in a car, they might as well be committing serial rape. So much so that many states are getting on board with making it illegal. You can already get a heavy fine or even a little time in jail for leaving a dog in a hot car, but Michigan and other states want to take it to another level by making it a felony.