Do you have a best friend? Or do you just think you have one? There’s unrequited love, but is there unrequited friendship? According to a new study, the person you tote around as your BFF wants to be anything but. Two universities conducted a study and determined that only about half of the people you call your friends would agree with that title. When asked to rate their friendships on a scale of 1 to 5, about 95% of the people surveyed were totally off when it came to how close they were. It’s easy after a night of drinking and dancing to Rihanna to think, “We’re best friends now! We have an unbreakable Rihanna bond!” We assume the feeling is mutual when in fact, your new best friend actually just thinks your that annoying drunkard who pressured them into dancing to bad music. So, just listen to this show. We’re your only real friends.
If everyone in this world received the tacos they ordered in a timely fashion, most of life’s problems would be solved. Unfortunately the world isn’t perfect, which is why some people must die when taco-eating goes awry, especially when you throw alcohol in the mix. One man died and three were injured after an argument over who was in line first for tacos went horribly wrong. it was one of those 2:30am taco trucks, so naturally everyone in line was drunk and fixated on Carne Asada, and then woah: two guys cut the line. All hell broke loose; one guy was knocked unconscious, and then of course someone took it the extra mile and started shooting people. Which…totally justified, right? Don’t cut in line. Rude.
If Steph Curry knows how to do anything, it’s make and break records. Whether he’s on the court or off of it. And he’s made history yet again by becoming the first NBA athlete to ever win MVP through a unanimous vote. I mean, there aren’t a lot of other players who have shot more three-pointers than an entire NBA team, but still it’s an impressive accomplishment. Especially considering Michael Jordan, Shaq, Magic Johnson and countless others couldn’t do it. He swept all 131 sportswriter and broadcaster votes. Kawhi Leonard of the Spurs was second in the voting, followed by crybaby Lebron James. But of course the one who really stole the show yesterday was Riley Curry. While Curry gave his MVP speech she strutted in, working the room, giving everyone the “I got my eyes on you” look. Another baby-faced assassin in the making.
Meeting people in bars is a thing of the past these days. Now, all you have to do is find one or two things you like and then join the appropriate dating site. You like Disney? Go to Mousmingle. Like horses, go to Equestrian Cupid! There’s Zombie Passions for the apocalypse-lovers and if you’ve just got herpes, there’s PositiveSingles. But believe it or not, there’s more, that are even more specific. Do you hate Donald Trump and want to move to Canada if he’s elected, but are also single and looking for your Canadian soulmate? Now there’s MapleMatch. The only thing worse than living in Canada is living alone in Canada, which is why they pair you up with an eligible single who will show you what happiness is all aboot. It’s worth a shot considering Nickeback has a higher approval rating than Trump right now. Still not enough? What about the people who think mermaids still exist, or that the government is run by lizard people? For all you wackjobs, there’s this:
The way Kevin feels about pizza is pretty much how I feel about burgers. There are few things in life that are better than biting into a perfectly cooked, juicy, delicious burger. But because we like to ruin all good things for you on this show, it’s time to report that most burgers have human hair, fingernails and skin all over them. A recent testing of meat patties revealed that a lot of it contains traces of rat and human DNA. Don’t worry, sometimes it just means that a rat brushed up against your burger. It’s not enough to kill you. But even trace amounts of someone else’s hair and fingernails can be off-putting, especially when you realize that’s not just a really big grain of salt in your patty. Don’t worry vegetarians, we’re here to ruin your day too. More than a quarter of the veggie patties they tested had some sort of problem and, of course, traces of beef. So you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. Just enjoy the hairy burgers. They’re worth it.
A little while ago, we talked about how Australia want to give herpes to fish to control the Carp population. Then we discussed the sluttiest fish in the sea, to which I said the Starfish was obviously the sluttiest. People disagreed with me, many said the blowfish was far sluttier, but I stood my ground. And by stood my ground I mean I said who cares. But now, it’s time for my comeuppance. I now know for a fact that Starfish are slutty, because they just slept their way back into the food chain! After experiencing a massive die-off, people in Northern California and into Oregon are seeing baby starfish all over the place. After many died because of a virus that caused them to disintegrate into a tiny pile of bones, they’re back! And they’re seeing 300 times more babies than normal. They’re baffled as to why, but I think we know. It’s easy to work the pole when you have five arms. Let’s just say there’s a reason they like being in those touch pools.
I think most people can agree that Jumanji is one of the greatest films of our time. Amiright? Who doesn’t love a stampede of rhinos running through a living room, or ultra-hairy Robin Williams? But because these days we can’t let anything stay great, they’re doing a remake. And in doing so they will honor Robin Williams in the best way possible: with Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson….Sure, he can probably run from a Rhino a little faster than Robin Williams, but what is he gonna do with all the in-between parts where you actually have to act?? I guess they’ll cross that bridge when they get to it. They’ll cross it and then blow it up. The Rock is excited though. He posted on Instagram about a recent meeting with the director, and he said as for Robin Williams, his love and respect for him is “boundless,” and we have his word that they will honor his name. I’m not sure how, but I’m sure it involves blowing up the Golden Gate Bridge.
What Women Want is not a legendary film. But we’re not here to talk about Mel Gibson. We’re here to talk about the latest breakdown on what women actually want in a man. We already know what women want in women (a Uhaul.) We already know what men want in women (sex, all the time.) And that goes for men on men as well. So, we’re left wondering what in the hell women like about men, and here’s the latest attempt to figuring it all out. This was a worldwide survey where almost 100,000 heterosexual women were asked about the most important male traits. Humor was #1. Apparently 53% of women put “funny” in their top three for most important traits. A close second was intelligence. Then came honesty and kindness. Facial attractiveness got only a 12% on the scale, and the lowest score went to ambition. So, a guy who’s funny, smart, but who has no ambition in life? In other words, a stoner.
Many people will say eating pizza every day is something that will kill you. But this man has gone beyond the realm of science and proven everyone wrong. Because eating pizza saved his life. He eats Domino’s multiple times a week, orders the same pizza every time, but when it had been 11 days since his last order, employees got worried. He missed his normal ‘Saturday night pizza’ order, so they sent a delivery guy over to check on him. Of course, there was no answer and they eventually called 911 and figured out that he was having a stroke. Who knows if his failing health was a result of way too much domino’s, but regardless his dedication to pizza has saved his life. Good pizza news!