We can’t let you get through your week without telling you something that will probably kill you. And no, it’s not Trader Joe’s listeria-infested chicken fried rice. Or their listeria-infested peas. Or their listeria-infested broccoli or green beans or assorted fruits. Today we bring to you yet another item that explodes after you buy it. Light-up sneakers! Every child’s favorite way to lose their own feet! Payless Shoe Source just pulled all their Jake Runner Light Up shoes off the shelves after a family reported they exploded in the back of their SUV, leaving the seat charred. I’d like to point out that nobody had this problem with LA Lights. But nowadays these shoes are powered by a tiny, penny-sized lithium battery and it just can’t handle all the activity. So before we see more footless children hobbling around, it’s better to just chuck them in the trash.
Sure, we live in an office building where people are sticking used bandaids on the bathroom stalls. And sure, the women’s bathroom has been flooded for
two three days. And sure, nobody gives us any help to do anything around here, ever. But at least we don’t have to wear diapers to work. Which is apparently the case in many poultry factories. Many have reported having to wear diapers on a regular basis because they are not allowed bathroom breaks. Reason being Americans eat more chicken than ever before and businesses are struggling to keep up. The only way to do that is by having people working around the clock churning out as many cutlets as humanely possible. I can’t say I’m surprised by the fact that we’ve now gotten so fat that people have to wear diapers to keep up with the amount of food we’re shoving into our faces, but it’s horrifying nonetheless. People are outraged, obviously, but they’re outraged as they’re enjoying a delicious chicken sandwich. Meanwhile, these businesses are giving their workers a maximum of 30 minutes for lunch, zero bathroom breaks, and all at under $10 an hour. Can someone say dream job??
I found a killer listing for a new home. It’s in Orinda, it has a disposal, TWO dishwashers, an outdoor putting green, a swimming pool, a waterfall, and it’s even close to BART. And a real bargain at $3.9 million dollars. The best part about this mansion is that Steph Curry used to live in it. He seven till has his outdoor basketball hoop in the driveway, so it’s all ready for you to practice. It’s modest at five bedrooms, so all of us at Kevin Klein Live can hang for sleepovers. Apparently five bedrooms was a little crammed for Steph, Ayesha and Riley, so they moved into an even bigger house in Walnut Creek. He’ll have plenty of space to rest as the Warriors get ready for the Western Conference Finals. But if you like second-hand fame or just want to disgrace the basketball hoop with some of your own air balls, it’s on the market.
Prices on rent in the Bay Area may fluctuate (up, mainly.) But at least there’s alcohol to get us through it; and that price never changes, right?? Nope. It will change by the minute according to this new dynamic pricing system that’s taking effect in some California bars. With this new system, the price of your liquor shots works just like housing. It’s based on demand. So the price of your tequila shot changes based on how many other people want that same type of tequila. If everyone in the bar wants a round of Herradura, you’ll be paying as much as $12 a shot. But if you’re the odd man out drinking a shot of Sauza, you’ll be paying a dollar. Really makes you want to scrape along the bottom shelf, doesn’t it? On a recent night, a bar was charging $7.75 for a shot of Espolon Blanco, and then the next minute it was back down to .50 cents. It sounds awful, but it still reaches everyone’s common goal, which is to be drunk.
Since Calvin Klein and Kevin Kline are two of Kevin’s biggest nemeses, he’ll be happy to know at least one of them is under fire for a seemingly distasteful ad featuring an “upskirt” shot of a model. I guess they’re catering to the…pedophile audience? Which, I guess they need underwear too. Thousands of people have been commenting online saying they’re offended by the perversion of it all. And that’s not all, people are also angry about Kendell Jenner’s Calvin Klein ad where she erotically holds a grapefruit that resembles a vagina. The caption reads “I eat in my Calvins.” As a lesbian though, I love a good grapefruit ad.
I got our producer Dead Eyes a very generous gift for his wedding. Kevin on the other hand was late to the party but eventually got him a radio…even though you can get them for like five bucks online. But it’s ok, he got a classy one. However, if he really had spent only $5 on a wedding present, should Dead Eyes intervene and confront him? Well, this couple did. They got married, invited an ex-coworker of theirs who attended and gave them $100 as a wedding present. She thought that was fair considering they weren’t close friends or anything. But then, she received an email from the couple thanking everyone for their attendance, but also added this: “we were surprised that your contribution didn’t seem to match the warmth of your good wishes on our big day. In view of your own position, if you wanted to send any adjustment it would be thankfully received.” WTF?! The coworker thinks this is because the couple knows she recently received a large inheritance, and that they were somehow entitled to more money. If I were her, I would adjust the amount to zilch.
When you were younger, there was little better than the thrills of eating whatever the hell you wanted without gaining so much as an ounce. But it catches up with you, right? Then before you know it you’re 30 years old eating flaming hot Cheetos and hot dogs going “where did my life go?” Well, take comfort in knowing that millennials are doing better than you even though their habits are far worse than a Cheeto or two. According to new research, millennials eat worse, drink more, smoke more and stay skinnier than older generations. In other words, they’re living in paradise. Of the 2.3 million Americans that were part of this research, 23% of people between the ages of 20 and 36 said they smoke, 13% said they have 7 or more drinks per week, and those numbers are all higher than the Baby-boomers and Gen-Xers. And despite eating worse, obesity is down down down. So, have coders cracked the best code of all? Or will we all just drop dead as soon as we hit 40?
What is the most diverse city in the US? Spoiler alert, it’s Gaithersburg Maryland. Glad I didn’t leave you hanging there. I know you were thinking Napa, but you will be happy to know that three Bay Area cities made the list of most diverse cities in the US. This list was put together based on social, economic, and household diversity ratings. For cities overall, Oakland came in third place. But as far as large cities go, Oakland is the most diverse in all of America. San Jose came in third, then Anaheim, Sacramento, and San Francisco even made the top ten, coming in at number nine. I know it might seem like gentrification is screwing things up, and to a degree it is, but it’s still better than living in Knoxville Tennessee, which was at the bottom of the list.
We talk regularly on this show about how animals are taking over the world. They’re not afraid of us anymore, and they’re getting smarter. And now they’ve grown bored with attacking us in the streets and they’re turning to attacking us from the inside. By cutting our power supply. A record 37,000 people were without power yesterday in Seattle after a raccoon got into a large power strip, causing a bus to short circuit, causing an explosion that left thousands of people out of power. Ten feeder lines failed, and in the process the raccoon lost its life due to the very strong electrical current. Which means that animals are basically the new ISIS. They’re getting so dedicated and so creative that they are literally going on suicide missions to ensure that we all die.