Ok, you can’t find your soulmate. You’re alone, you haven’t gotten laid in years and you’ve been kicked off of multiple dating site. But its ok, it’s all about friends anyway, right? And don’t worry. If you don’t have any, you’d better believe there’s an app that will give you some. Apparently guys are all about swiping right to find new and budding bromances. It’s the new thing, and there are now many friendship social apps out there that are bringing bros and bros alike together in harmony. There’s Wiith, there’s Smeeters, and now with the new Bumble BFF people are finding new ways to be single together. I think this started off being geared towards women finding their new BFF’s, but now more than ever men are using it to meet other men. But if you can’t meet your platonic soulmate on Bumble, there’s another app for men meeting men. It’s called Grindr. It’s a different kind of meat.
If you’re spending your days cleaning up dirty bathrooms for minimum wage, you’ve probably thought of a career change at some point. Well, I have the answer for you. How would you like to get paid $20 an hour just to sit in a car that drives itself? Attention all under-achievers! Google is hiring people to test their self-driving cars in what seems like the best job known to man. Obviously no previous experience is necessary, but you do have to have a BA and be able to type 40 words per minute, which seems like a BS qualification, but whatever. You also have to have a clean driving record and excellent communication skills, but you won’t be using those either because for 6-8 hours a day you’ll just be sitting there while a car drives you around the city. All you have to do is sit back, relax with a beer in your hand and reap the benefits. Minus the beer because you’ll have to take over if the thing starts driving into a playground.
We’ve campaigned against selfies and selfie sticks since they first came into existence. We couldn’t stop them despite our best efforts, and as a result they’ve been taken to the next level of obnoxiousness. And I’m not talking about the selfie-stick for your shoes. I’m talking about the fact that people are so desperate for the perfect selfie that they’re now destroying historical landmarks and statues. A man was arrested this weekend after climbing a 126-year old Portuguese statue in order to get a selfie with it. I guess he wasn’t getting the angle he wanted, and for the sake of Instagram he thought it better to climb on top of the statue for a better picture. Of course, his body was too much for King Dom Sebastiao to bear, and it crumbled and fell to the ground in about a dozen pieces. So what did the guy do? He ran for it, but they caught him and now they are pressing charges because you can’t CLIMB ON ANCIENT STATUES FOR SELFIES! STOP IT!!
Bottlerock is only two weeks away and many have been looking forward to seeing some Red Hot Chili Peppers take the stage in Napa, but now it’s questionable whether we will hear the sweet sounds of Anthony Keidis as he was hospitalized this weekend. The Peppers were about to perform in Los Angeles when Keidis was rushed to the emergency room because of an intestinal flu. No more details were released, but Flea and the rest of the band took the stage to headline the show, only to tell the crowd they would not be performing. Which went over relatively well considering there were thousands of very drunk and amped up people that were ready for a “dooby-do California” rock out session. He is expected to make a full recovery. We don’t know how soon, but we hope to God that all of them will be in Napa by Memorial Day weekend.
Take a good look around you. Look up, look down. See anything? Well, you’d better watch what you say regardless, because there’s a good chance you’re being bugged if you live in the Bay Area. Every once in a while you run into people who go on and on about conspiracy theories and how we’re all being tracked by the FBI. But after all that crazy talk, it turns out they were right. A huge government surveillance system in the Bay Area being run by the FBI has just been exposed. Apparently they have been planting microphones all over the Bay Area. Under rocks, inside trees, in equipment, and have been recording our conversations without our consent. Of course, we’re the ones begging for our conversations to be recorded, but the FBI doesn’t care about us. They want interesting conversations about illegal activity. Microphones were placed in lightposts outside a courthouse in Oakland, which I’m sure was fascinating footage. They’re actually doing this for a good reason though. They’re trying to prove that real estate investors are rigging housing bids in San Mateo and in Alameda.
You’ve dreamt about it, you’ve heard of it happening to others and you can only hope it happens to you. That moment when the bank makes a mistake and accidentally gives you millions of dollars. Your balance goes from $30 to 3 million dollars. Well, that’s what happened to a young woman recently. The bank accidentally increased her overdraft limit to $3.4 million dollars, and did she call the bank and tell them of their error? No, she went straight to Christian Dior to spend $1,300 on a cashmere pillow. She went on the shopping spree of a lifetime and racked up about $2.4 million in charges before she was caught. Her list of charges is obscene. She pretty much bought everything at Chanel, Hermes, spent $200,000 on one trip to Christian Dior, and then she topped it off with a Dyson animal vacuum. She has now been arrested, but they’re unsure if the bank will take responsibility on this one. Regardless, I’m sure all those pretty things need to be returned. Even the animal vacuum.
Getting out of a speeding ticket takes mastery. It’s a skill I do not possess, though I wish I had. It helps if you have some kind of status and can offer a cop something in exchange for getting off. It’s even better if you’re a main character on Game of Thrones and the cop is obsessed with your show. Kit Harrington just shared a story about getting pulled over for speeding, and when the officer pulled him over he told him he’d let him off if he told him whether John Snow lives in the next season. He said “You can either follow me back to the police station now where I’ll book you in, or you can tell me whether you live in the next [season] of ‘Game of Thrones.’” He also added, if you decide to tell me, whether I book you or not depends on your answer. He said “I’m alive next season.” And with that the cop said “On your way Lord Commander. Keep the speed down this far south of the wall.” Must be nice.
The stereotype that women are bad drivers is just ridiculous. And this story about a woman driving into a lake because her GPS told her to could have happened to ANYONE, okay?? It’s not just because she’s a woman. She was driving on a foggy night and was following her GPS because she wasn’t that familiar with the area. She followed it very closely. So closely that she drove right down a steep boat launch and right into a lake where her car proceeded to fill with water. It was then that she figured out, hey I might be in the wrong area. So she rolled down her window, grabbed her handbag and swam to safety. She ended up seeking help at a nearby hotel but her red Toyota Yaris is sitting at the bottom of a lake right now. #rip