Sure, we’re all fat and unhealthy. Mainly it’s because we’d rather chop off our left hand than actually go to the gym and pick up a weight. But what if you could get into shape while indulging in America’s other favorite pastime, sex? Well, that’s where BangFit comes in. It’s PornHub’s new way for you to improve your sex life while also burning off the Donutccino you just ate/drank. It claims to combine the intensity of Zumba and Crossfit with the throws of passion, and includes sexercises you and your partner can follow along with, like the “Squat & thrust” or the “missionary press.” If you successfully nail a tough position, you might get positive comments like “You’re the gymnastiest!” And don’t worry, it even syncs to your iPhone so you can easily share with the world that you’re losing weight through sex. What a win-win. Or perhaps, a wang-wang.
Knowing that 1 in 8 pools are closed down these days for health violations really puts the poo in pool, doesn’t it? I think we knew from the get-go that pools were gross, but these new findings are sure to ruin your summer, so let’s get started! The CDC says after inspecting 50,000 pools, hot tubs and water parks across the country, 80% of them had at least one health violation. (Suddenly Rio doesn’t seem so bad, huh?) And one in eight of the inspections resulted in the immediate closure of the facilities because the violations were so severe. And most local health departments don’t regulate or inspect public pools at all, so it ain’t like the pool is getting any less poo-ey in the near future. So if you were planning to spend your summer in a lazy river, you’re gonna be in a lazy river of fecal matter and bacteria. Hope it’s worth it.
It wasn’t the best weekend for Bay Area sports, or sports in general. The Sharks lost 3-6 against the Blues, The Warriors had a significant loss against the Thunder, and the debate rages on on whether or not Draymond Green purposely kicked Steven Adams in the balls. But that’s not all the shaming that happened in the world of sports. People are still trying to figure out whether to be offended by the fact that the gay mens chorus was significantly booed during a Padres game. It’s the new homo cake story, everyone! They took the field and were all ready to deliver the national anthem when a recording of a woman singing the anthem drowned them all out. People are questioning whether it was a mistake or was a big F U to the men’s chorus. Regardless, they were booed and one person was even heard saying “you sing like a girl!!” And THAT’S not even all. Former NBA star Etan Thomas was the subject of passenger shaming (or probably just general racism) when he got on a bus and a woman would not let him sit in the empty seat next to her. Then, a couple minutes later a white guy came up, asked the same question, and she happily moved her stuff to let him sit. So are all these just crazy misunderstandings, or is the balls, gay, and bus shaming at an all-time high?
If there’s one thing we know, it’s that our country is fatter than ever. Things like the Ramen-burger or the new Donutccino have made it pretty clear that we don’t exactly care about our health. But who is the healthiest of them all? Asians, apparently. According to a new study, Asian people are the healthiest in the United States. Specifically, Chinese Americans are the ones we should be modeling our lives after. Before you go finding some kind of crazy Chow Mein cleanse, they’re still figuring out exactly why this is. Right now, all they know is that they’re less likely to report illnesses, psychological problems or just fair to poor health in general. So, if you are NOT Asian I strongly suggest you put down the churro-ice cream sandwich and head over to Chinatown so can copy their every move and live forever.
People can spend hours and hours trying to come up with the next hit viral video. But you slave away to no avail. Then you realize all you need for clicks is a Texan lady in a Chewbacca mask. It’s just a video of a woman trying the new electronic Chewbacca mask currently being sold at Kohl’s, but it’s been viewed over 100 million times since it was put on Facebook Live this weekend. The woman, now known as Chewbacca mom, is ridiculously excited about trying on a Chewbacca mask that growls when you open your mouth, and results of a solid two and a half minutes of this. People desperate for that kind of happiness have been purchasing the mask left and right, and it is now completely sold out everywhere. But not before Kohl’s was able to send masks to her entire family as a thank you for all the free advertising.
Getting kicked in the nuts is no fun, but at least the general shape of your genitals will stay the same. But you know what will change the shape of your genitals? Sex. Or, too much of it at least. This is the conclusion they reached after doing a study on beetles. I don’t really know how this directly translates to humans, but they found in beetles that when they had a ton of sex, males got longer penis-like organs and females larger ‘claws’ on their genitalia. Soo…guys get long penises and women get a bigger set of meat curtains? Even the animal kingdom is sexist!!