As long as there are people on the internet, there will be scamming. The hot new thing this year is virtual kidnapping, which as we talked about is the process of calling someone and saying they have your cousin and that they need $500 right away. Then there’s the kidnapping of your computer and holding it for ransom. This is where they take over your computer with a virus, then send you a message saying if you want it back you need to pay the price. Most people pay because it’s still better than taking it to the Geek Squad. But then there is the worst scam of them all. Selling false Warriors tickets. And people were scammed more than ever during game 7 of the NBA finals. Security at Oracle says they turned away roughly 50 people who thought they had legitimate tickets to the Warriors game on Monday night. And most of those tickets were purchased on StubHub. So even legitimate ticketing sites are getting in on the duping this year. The Warriors have now issued a fraud alert warning people that they should not buy tickets from a third party for the finals. But it is a hot ticket, just make sure it’s not a “hot” ticket.
Every week, Game of Thrones fills us with confusion and sexual urges. And there are some people who actually know what the plot is about, but most of us are just waiting for the next boob or peen shot. Which is probably why PornHub has been quick to capture those moments and post any thrilling sex scenes directly on their site, causing them to be sued by HBO. They saved us all the grunt work by posting them in their fantasy section, but it turns out having legitimate actors on a porn site isn’t so legal, so access them while you can. The only way you’ll get your fix after that is by visiting the Bunny Ranch and taking part in their Game of Thrones brothel theme they’ve created there. As if the job of a working girl wasn’t hard enough, they now have to walk around in medieval robes feeding grapes and mead to their clients. But people want that Little Finger feeling more than ever. So bring on the medieval sex! Protected, of course.
Kevin still hasn’t decided on a baby name. And until he does, we will continue sending ideas his way. And why not get political this time by breaking down the most popular baby names in both red and blue states. For example, the most popular girl names in Democratic states pretty much all end in ‘uh.’ Francesca, Gianna, Sienna, Valentina, Fiona, Guiliana, and Maeve (WTF?) Also, blue states in general have a lot more diversity, which is why Mohammed was in the top ten for boy’s names. In red states, the girl’s names get a lot whiter and pretty much all end in an e, an ie or a y. For example: Kayleigh, Brylee, Kennedi, Hattie, McKinley, Millie, and Journee. Don’t worry, the boys names are even worse: Kason with 3 DIFFERENT SPELLINGS. Two different spellings of Braylen, then there’s Rhett, Carson, Chandler, Davis and Lawson. With each of them you get automatic acceptance into the frat of your choice.
Roughly 1 in 5 people in this world have got the herp. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Yes, you have a scarlet letter on your genitals, but you’ll be happy to know there are worse things out there. You’ll be even happier to know that there are several upsides to having it. It could even give you super hero immunity, which comes just in time because the Superbug is here in the US and we’re gonna be ready. All the sluts will survive, yay! Scientists performed a study where they infected a bunch of mice with the herpes virus, (it was a long night for scientists.) But after the job was done, the mice were better able to fight off bacteria because their immune system was stronger. Specifically they have found that humans and mice were both able to fight off influenza more easily when they had herps. And, scientists have even started using the virus that causes cold sores to fight cancer cells, and they already discovered this treatment helped, and that some even lived YEARS longer because of it. So, promiscuity makes us live forever!
Who is the most vile, disgusting person you would be willing to sleep with for one million dollars? It’s a question that be answered in Demi Moore movies, and now in the interwebs. We’ve learned the world loves answering hypotheticals like “would you kill baby Hitler if you had the chance?” So, the newest one that has everyone sufficiently grossed out is “would you sleep with Donald Trump if he gave you a million dollars?” For most, the answer is God no. In one online poll, 53% of women said they wouldn’t sleep with him, and 55% of men wouldn’t do it. Which isn’t as high a percentage as I would have thought. Additionally, Trump would have to offer an average of $1.3 million before the female respondents would agree to sex. For men, they would settle for $1 million. Bernie Sanders did a little better, as 44 percent of women and 46 percent of men said they wouldn’t have sex with him for $1 million. And then there’s the real hottie on the ticket: Hillary Clinton did the best on this poll with only 41 percent of women and 36 percent of men saying they’d deny some sweet pant-suit love-making. Now, here’s the REAL question: would you have sex with baby Hitler if you could kill him afterward for one million dollars?