If you are one of the people who sent out tributes to Jack Black this weekend, you’re probably feeling like a bit of an idiot right. It was all a sham. Jack Black is not dead, though many thought he was after a tweet was sent out from the official Tenacious D Twitter account saying that he had died of unknown causes at the age of 46. After the hashtag #RipJackBlack trended for a good long while, the band came out and said their Twitter page had been hacked. Jack and his eyebrows are thicker and stronger than ever. Unfortunately a real death did occur this weekend, that of one Muhammed Ali who died on Friday at 74. And then there are the tributes that followed: Flags were at half mast in Louisville, Mike Tyson and many other athletes tweeted out things like “God came for his champion,” newspapers displayed his quotes on their front pages. But not tributes were classy. The Sun has been criticized for their headline “Float like a butterfly sting like an RIP.” And then of course there’s Donald Trump who called him a “champion and a wonderful guy” even though under his proposals he wouldn’t even be allowed in this country.
There are many exciting tech innovations in development right now. Self-driving cars, drones. And all these are supposed to save millions of lives. But let’s focus on the real reason technology was invented: So we can stop having sex with regular people and start having sex with robots. But the digital loving might not be all it’s cracked up to be. In fact, studies are already showing it could cause performance anxiety. New stats show that one in four people would happily date a robot. Even people who are already in relationships wouldn’t mind a robot fling. But because the robots are built for pleasure, they will be really really good at sex. And you know who’s not great at sex? Us. Then the feeling of not measuring up to a robot will give us a huge complex and will ruin our relationships because our real partners will be less fun to have sex with and they’ll be jealous of the sex robots. So, once again, technology will make our lives better and then immediately ruin it.
Our big BFD concert was successful. And by that I mean not one person got struck by lightning. Unlike the 71 people who were struck at a rock concert in Germany this weekend. It was a three-day festival, but on the first day a freak thunderstorm hit and many people were hit by lightning just as bands were taking the stage. Dozens suffered from burn holes and scorch marks as they were sent to the hospital, but of course they would never cancel a festival over a little bad weather. So, though the flooding and thunderstorms continued, the bands played on. Because if people pay get to get drunk and watch music, by God they will do it. Even if God hates them.
Sure, global warming and climate change screwing us all. But the world is still doing pretty great, right? Except for the fact that the ocean is getting so polluted that fish are addicted to eating plastic. In other words, microbeads are a bitch. Microbeads are those little pieces of plastic that they put in pretty much all our soap and our toiletries even though they don’t help us in any way. Regardless, we soap ourselves up with this plasticky soap, then it goes into the ocean and the fish cannot get enough of the stuff. They say it’s the equivalent of teens eating fast food. And for these fish, there is a slew of delicious, healthy zoo plankton all around them, but they’re going straight for the artificial stuff. As a result, it’s making them slower, smaller, and dumber. So now the ocean is just like America! Welcome to the plastic-eating party!
The Cavaliers had better step it up if they are to survive the NBA championship for much longer. But to be fair, they’re pretty busy. In fact J.R. Smith is in the middle of the NBA finals, but also launching a Kickstarter campaign to fund his own reality show. They’ll make a reality TV show out of anything these days, including storage lockers, but networks don’t seem interested in a semi-famous basketball player like J.R. However, the Kickstarter page claims his life with his girlfriend, his family, and his security guard “Boom” are worth the investment. America doesn’t seem to agree with him just yet, as his campaign has only raised $186 of it’s $450,000 goal. But you know who TV does care about? Steph Curry and Lebron James. In fact, anyone born in the hospital in Akron where both of them born will be showered with gifts up until June 19th. Every newborn born there will receive a set of four tires, an “Akron Born” onesie and a car seat courtesy of Goodyear Tires. So get your kid to Akron!