Noodles have been getting bad rep for a while now. Kale and gluten-free crazes have caused the pasta aisle to be a literal ghost town. Which I guess is what prompted scientists in Italy to do some testing and prove everyone wrong. They’ve crunched some numbers, and they want everyone to know that pasta is not bad for you and it will not make you fat. This study was sponsored by Barilla, by the way. They studied 14,000 people and their pasta-eating habits, and discovered that those who ate pasta consistently didn’t get a higher body mass index, and that their waistlines were even smaller after eating it. Of course, I don’t think they considered exercise or portion control during this study, but it’s hard to find good noodle news these days, so it’s worth sharing.
Kevin Durant is now a Warrior, and people have continued to react all week long. In Oklahoma, they’re burning jerseys and trash talking his restaurant. Here, they’re just saying he joined the Warriors to avoid getting kicked in the balls by Draymond Green next season. We’re also learning of more new Warriors joining us next season, including David West from the Spurs and a guy named Zaza Pachulia (which is not the name of a Whole Foods item or a Berkeley yoga instructor. I had to check.) But back to the man with the bigger forehead than me, Mr. Kevin Durant. It seems a conspiracy theory has been born as to why he was signed, because up until now the Warriors have been dominated by Under Armour. And with Kevin Durant comes his multi-million dollar endorsement with Nike. So was he really hand-picked, or is this just about corporate greed and corruption? Is this Nike’s way of squashing Steph Curry and his new geriatric shoes? Or are we overthinking this? Let’s overthink it some more.
If there’s one thing we know, it’s that America loves beer. Domestic, imported, you name it. But what if I told you that your love of beer was causing a drought, putting thousands of lives at risk? Sorry to say it, but it’s true. The mayor of a small town in Mexico is saying they barely have any water for human consumption because the nearby brewery is producing so much Corona and Modelo that their water supply is completely dried up. I know what you’re thinking: why can’t the town just drink the beer and forget about water completely? You have a point, but beer showers can get old after a while. The mayor is saying that because these breweries are producing 20 million bottles a day, their water has dried up to the point where you turn on the tap and nothing comes out. So how do we solve this beer problem? I would say let’s send some water over to them in exchange, but we Californians need water too. How can we continue drinking our delicious Modelos while still making sure people aren’t dying of thirst??
I have bad news. New York has let us all down. Right after the famous Coney Island hot dog eating competition, they had to go and create a Kale eating competition, because there is no God. It’s called “Kale Yeah!” And it’s part of the Taste of Buffalo festival, which runs all weekend long. Contestants will have eight minutes to ingest as much kale as they possibly can, and the winner will receive $2,000, which is such a totally crappy prize. But it’s their way of cancelling out the heaps and heaps of unhealthy foods featured at the Taste of Buffalo festival, and to point out that you have to eat 9 cups of kale to equal the calories in one Nathan’s hot dog.
The Rio Olympics are a month away, and if the shotputting and javelins don’t pique your interest, you can at least sit back and enjoy the slew of problems that have come with holding an Olympic event in a Zika-ridden, drug-infested hell hole. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a pretty hell hole, but the city itself isn’t doing so hot. Jason Day and many other world class athletes are dropping out over Zika concerns. And now to make things worse, they’ve just discovered a superbacteria in the water that is impervious to any cure. Scientists in Brazil recently discovered that sewage from local hospitals has been getting channeled into the bay. As of now, any drug or treatment that would potentially reverse this process is not working, and what is left is poo water for all to enjoy. One German Olympic contestant said “It’s a nice sailing area but every time you get some water in your face, it feels like there’s some alien enemy entering your face.” He also believes the super bacteria may have caused a severe skin infection in one of his teammates during recent training. So, welcome to Rio, where the rashy poo-water is fine!
Picture your mother on vacation. Now picture her on vacation naked. Now picture her on vacation,naked, while playing cornhole. You’re welcome. If you’re not already throwing up, just wait until I tell you about the thousands of people who will be doing just this as part of a nude triathlon to celebrate the upcoming Olympics. This was put together by the lovely, un-clothed members of the American Association for Nude Recreation. An organization that has previously set world records for “most naked people in a pool,” they’re breaking the mold yet again by adding sports to their annual nude recreation week, which starts this Saturday. They realize not everyone likes the idea of being naked, so they’re tempting you with games like cornhole, Molkky, and “who can shuffle a deck of cards while running.” (That last one is relatively new.) If you’re still not convinced, your first visit to the resort is totally free and they also have Karaoke on Friday nights and a “dance” on Saturday. They also say that summer is the perfect time to adopt the nude lifestyle. So if it’s worth the free pool, have at it I guess?