We’ve always known man’s best friend to be the K-9. The lovable dog. And people obviously love their dogs which is why they spend their weekends leaving them alone to go see The Secret Life of Pets this weekend. But move over, dogs, and make room for man’s new best friend. The goat. Could they be next in line as the household favorite? Scientists say it’s entirely possible. Especially with the internet churning out goat videos on a minute-by-minute basis, they’re more popular than ever. They also have the same capacity to communicate with humans, just as puppies do. They are capable of a behavior called “directed gazing,” which is when an animal gazes into your eyes and makes you think you have some kind of bond with it. If goats are capable of directed gazing, they could capture our hearts in no time. And roughly 10,000 years ago goats were the first livestock to be domesticated. It’s already written in history, people. It’s meant to be!
A lot of people had the childhood dream of becoming an astronaut. And I’m sorry it didn’t happen for you. But it will be easier for you to let go of your dream after hearing that a lot of them are getting a mystery illness that is causing them to go blind. Not completely blind, but they’re getting severe blurred vision as a result of being in space for long periods of time. On guy in particular started noticing that when he gazed down at the planet, the Earth was blurry. He couldn’t focus on it clearly. And he though it especially odd because he’d always had 20/20 vision. So he got some testing done when he got home and they noticed his eyes had gone from 20/20 to 20/100 in six months. He and about 80 percent of astronauts who are in space for long periods have this mysterious eye condition. And the worst part is they don’t know what causes it. One major theory is that fluid in the skull builds up from lack of gravity in space, increasing pressure on the brain and the eye. So be glad you’re safe on land, until we all go to Mars.
Another day, another lawsuit. It’s what makes America run. And the latest victim is your favorite way to show everyone what you look like with dog ears: Snapchat. They are being sued by celebrity lawyer Mark Geragos on behalf of a teenage kid who found inappropriate articles when he was scrolling through the Discover feature on the app. Yup, just an innocent 14 year old looking at what’s going on in the world, and finding headlines like ““23 Pictures That Are Too Real If You’ve Ever had Sex With A Penis.” That gem was brought to you by Buzzfeed, because they always keep it classy. The teenager also saw stories about “drunk girl conversations,” “favorite stoner foods” and “everything you ever needed to know about penis tattoos.” Though these hard-hitting news stories often appeal to most, Snapchat is being sued because nearly 25% of their users are between 13-17 years old, and are getting traumatized when they see their favorite Disney characters in obscene sexual positions. The rest of us on the other hand? Love it.
Now that that story is out of the way, let’s talk about what your favorite stoner foods are! If you’re answer to this question is “any food that is near me because I don’t feel like getting up,” then you’ve proven this latest study correct. According to science, weed makes you not care about stuff. Basically, the act of smoking weed on a regular basis makes the rewards center in your brain get smaller over time. Scientists tested frequent marijuana smokers by having them play simple games where they could win money. Over a long period of time, they stopped caring about winning or losing. My argument? Sure, it could be because of pot, or it could be because those stoners were just sick of coming into an office and playing a stupid game over the course of several years. Now, I would get mad about this study and try to prove it wrong, but I just don’t care for some reason…
Aand speaking of rewards centers….someone finally won the lottery and we’re still trying to locate our new best friend, who lives somewhere in East Indiana. You might recall earlier this year when the jackpot was at $1.6 billion dollars, three people won and ended up splitting about $500 million dollars each. But whoever won this round has $540 million dollars all to themselves, as they were the only winner of the 7th largest jackpot in US history. For everyone else, your odds of winning are about 1 in 292 million, so this person is lucky to say the least, but probably terrified of coming forward because everyone, including us, will be asking them for money. This is why the US lottery suggests you hire several financial advisors before you claim your prize. And this person will probably need it if they’re a regular at the Speedway Gas station on interstate 70.
If you’re sharing your Netflix password with someone, you’re not alone. You’re one of the thousands and perhaps millions of people who share passwords to save a few bucks, especially now that they’ve raised their damn prices. But it has just been decided in a court of law that if you share your Netflix password you are committing a federal crime and you belong behind bars. Sharing passwords for any streaming service like HBO, Hulu or anything others violates the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act (CFAA) and can get you sentenced to prison time, probation, and nearly $900,000 in restitution and fines. So even though prisons are pretty over-crowded right now, they’re about to get a million times more crowded if everyone who shares a password ends up in jail.