It’s been impossible to find good Rio news these days. And with the Olympic Games just three days away, it’s questionable whether people will even make it to the games because they’ll be jumping hurdles like Zika, robbery, and incredible amounts of toxic waste. Zika is actually the least serious of all the concerns. Athletes have been given supercondoms to prevent the spread of the virus, and the Zika-squitos have gone on a nice vacation to Miami for the time being anyway. But then there’s the fact that experts are telling athletes not to put their heads under water or you’ll become violently ill. But perhaps trumping all of this is the great Chinese vomit heist of 2016. You guessed it, vomit was used as a decoy to rob the Chinese Olympic team of all their camera equipment. Olympic hurdler Shi Dongpeng and his cameraman were checking into their hotel at 10:30pm when a very drunk man walked up to them, threw up on the hurdler, and ran off. The camera man went to go chase the drunkard down while the hurdler ran to go clean himself. In the meantime, another guy working in tandem with barf man swooped up and took all their stuff. Throwing up on command is definitely a particular skill to have, so I’m glad this man found a lucrative outlet for it.
We’ve had a lot of bad ideas on this show. Show us your oddballs for Oddball is just one of those bad ideas. But then there are ideas that just work from the get go. Like a fast food ‘walk-through’ for late night drunks. This idea comes to you courtesy of McDonalds, who is testing out a new way to feed the intoxicated. Some would call people waiting for food without cars just a regular line, but this is different. McDonalds has been trying like hell to make money despite a major sales decline. They’ve done all-day breakfast, they’ve just announced they’re getting rid of the high fructose corn syrup in their buns, but cornering the drunk market could be the real answer. Between 2am and 4am on weekends, in one of their locations, they’ve dedicated one of the drive-through lanes for drunk walk-ups. They just started testing it, and it’s already wildly successful. So if McDonalds knows what’s good for them, we’ll start seeing a lot more drunk-throughs in the near future.
These days, Hollywood is less about making new films and more about re purposing old ones. Fuller House, Independence Day, Jurassic Park, Star Trek, Ghostbusters, Gem, Jumanji have all been remade, rebooted or sequeled to death. But when you decide to remake a movie like Splash, you begin to think everyone is running out of ideas. The 1984 movie with Tom Hanks and Daryl Hannah about a merwoman who falls in love with a quirky two-legged man was definitely a classic, though it doesn’t jump out as remake-worthy. Nonetheless, it’s happening, and you’d better believe Channing Tatem is on board as well as Jillian Bell from Workaholics. But there’s a twist! They’re swapping genders! So. Wacky. Channing Tatem will play a mermaid and Jillian Bell will take over for Tom Hanks. Female Ghostbusters has taught us that people can’t get enough of hot guys playing female roles, so that’s where things are headed now. It sounds ridiculous, but according to social media people are already stoked. Which is why the remaking will never. Ever. Stop.
Ah, the good old days when people would line up for days just to get a new iPhone. The trampling, the buying, the reselling, it’s all so exciting and something we look forward to with every release. But a new iPhone is coming out soon and a shocking new study shows that no one really cares anymore. Many current iPhone owners were asked if they were planning on picking up the newest model when it comes out next month, and 9 out of 10 of them said no, not unless there was a drastic change in the design. And yes, each new iPhone has more memory and a way better camera and a faster speed, but have iPhones gotten so good that no one needs a new one anymore? For the first time in years, iPhone sales are on the decline. So have iPhones gotten too good for their own good? Rumors say the new model is nixing the headphone jack and forcing everyone to get new earbuds. Is everyone resisting the change for as long as humanly possible? I am.
Why should you waste your days slaving away at your job when you could be making donkey cheese and making bank? Let’s all quit our jobs and buy an ass or two, because apparently donkeys are used to make the most expensive cheese the world has to offer. If you get one of these things and make a small, cupcake-sized mound of cheese, you can sell it for $55. It tastes pure, clean, sweet, and unlike any cheese ever tasted which is why you can sell it for anywhere from $600 to $1,000 per pound. Why so expensive? Probably because it takes three gallons of donkey milk to make one pound of cheese, and donkeys don’t produce a lot of milk. It’s also an immunity booster, an anti-aging serum, and a natural Viagra. Right now, the entire world’s supply of donkey cheese is being produced by one guy and his 180 donkeys. I think he could use a little competition.
Noise cancelling headphones have made it possible to ignore the entire world around you. You walk around the city feeling like a million bucks while not even noticing that a homeless guy is screaming at you or that the person behind you is being robbed. The only downside here is that you might die because you can’t hear important sounds like a car honk or someone about to rob you. But Amazon wants to change all that. A new patent shows they want to get in the headphone business and make noise cancelling headphones don’t cancel every noise. They’re designed to give you that ambient beat in your ears while still making you aware when a car is about to hit you. In this case, the noise cancelling feature would turn off for noises like sirens or car horns, and can even decipher your name if someone is calling out “Hey Patrick, that guy is about to steal your phone!” Of course, another option is to not listen to loud music so you can actually hear important sounds. Just a thought.