There are a lot of people who are still confused about what you can and can’t bring on airplanes. People still get really confused about liquids, lighters, razors, you name it. But in general we’re all pretty clear about guns. It’s been a TSA policy for a while now. You can’t pack heat in your carry on. But despite this being common knowledge, TSA said last week alone they confiscated 81 guns from people trying to get them through gate security. Not checked bags, carry-ons. Seventy of them were even loaded, and 31 of them had one in the chamber, ready to go. I mean geez, I know people who take their shoes off on planes are annoying, but you don’t have to go that far! At any rate, TSA said this number is a record. There’s no doubt that there are a lot of scary things going on at airports these days, but is that why there is such an increase in people wanting to bring the family gun on their annual trip to Orlando? Or is it just because people will try anything to avoid the $25 bag checking fee? Whatever the reason, let’s just be clear that there is not enough overhead storage space to accommodate all these guns, so please leave them at home or better yet, return them.
Whether your a man or a woman, gay or straight, vegan or cool, you should be able to achieve anything here in America. Some would argue that it’s a little harder for women to get ahead, especially if you’re a vegan woman. But I have great news for all the ladies out there, because according to men, sexism is over! Whew. Guys, it’s been a good run. Thank God that’s over, right?! My hands were getting sore from all the sandwich-making, but now our troubles are behind us. According to this study, 45 percent of people said “the obstacles that once made it harder for women than men to get ahead are now largely gone” and here’s the real shock, 75% of Republican men think that sexism is gone. Because according to them, men have gotten their act together and “what are all the women complaining about? They can vote, they can have driver’s licenses, so what is everyone complaining about? Why don’t you all just take a Midol and take the afternoon off. You deserve it.”
I have some dating advice for any men out there who are looking for love but smell like crap. Here’s a tip, and I know Kevin you’re not necessarily a fan of this, eat more salad. Eating mass amounts of salad will increase the production of those pheromones that attract women even when they don’t even realize it. Women will walk by you eating your California Cobb and think, “That guy’s got it all figured out.” But you don’t really. She’s just being subconsciously lured in by your seductive salad smells. This study was conducted by gathering sweat samples of different men and having women analyze them. See everyone, sexism is over!
It’s that time of year when you go back to school and hope to acquire more knowledge than you do STD’s. But the likelihood of that depends heavily on which college you attend, and what time of year you choose to bone. For instance, you’re way more likely to get chlamydia after a major holiday or school break. And if you go to UCLA you’re way more likely to get an STD than if you attend San Jose State University. Yes, believe it or not San Jose State University was the best college to attend if you’re a fan of healthy genitals. UCLA was the third worst in the country when it came to getting STD’s, and number two went to St. Mary’s College and the top spot went to Occidental College. But the Bay Area didn’t get away completely unscathed, University of San Francisco made the top ten as well. But in general, he two highest peaks for STD’s came in late September, right when school starts, and mid-January, when returned to school after Christmas break.
If you’ve ever gotten an email from a Nigerian Prince or gotten a friend request from a random Brazilian bombshell, you may have some slight doubts about people’s honesty online. So let me clear things up for you. This week in OBVIOUS NEWS, a team of researchers have come to the conclusion that everyone lies on the internet. It’s a world wide web of lies! They’ve done some digging and discovered that deception is the rule, not the exception. And though 30% of people say they’ve never been dishonest on the internet, those people are probably lying as well. And why do we lie? Because everyone else does it? Because we’re afraid our real selves are too boring? Or is it because we want to scam people into wiring us money? When it comes to lying online, most people lie about four things: their age, their gender, their appearance, and their activities and interests. Because we all know hiking is not one of your real hobbies, even though it says so on your Tinder profile. Most people were lying on dating sites, and even more people were lying on anonymous chat sites and then of course on Craigslist, which is where you tell people your crappy couch is in perfect condition. People lied the least on social media sites like Facebook, because people were less inclined to lie when they knew people they interacted with. So the best you can do is photoshop pictures of your baby.
Ryan Lochte may have lost his Speedo endorsement, and his Ralph Lauren endorsement, and his mattress endorsement. But things are looking up. He’s gotten ay more attention than Michael Phelps, he’s done tons of interviews, he’s rumored to be on the next season of dancing with the stars, and now in a shocking turn of events, he’s been offered a new endorsement. He could be the new face of the AutoBlow! The device that allows men to get to third base with a robot wants Ryan Lochte as their new sponsor, because they feel he embodies all the qualities their brand stands for. As part of the deal, Autoblow will pay him $10,000 USD to pose with one of the robotic devices while smiling and pointing at it along with the caption ‘the masturbation device Olympic champions chose’.