We don’t always understand newest fashion trends, but I think it’s safe to say that everyone unanimously is on board with the Facekini. It may have been a cold summer in San Francisco, but everywhere else in the world it’s hot as balls. And the sun, while fun, can give us horrible skin conditions and possibly kill us. But that shouldn’t kill your desire to fall off of a boogie board, so the solution is covering your face with a nylon mask and terrifying every child at the beach! These things have actually been in China for a while now, but a high end fashion designer has made a whole new line of fashionable face masks to go with your current swimsuit. They even have themed body suits. You can now swim in the ocean while dressed face-to-toe as a tiger, or a lizard. It seems ridiculous, because it is. But see who will be laughing when you have a sunburn all of your face and the Facekini people will only have sunburns around their eye and mouth holes!! Huh?!
The Golden Gate Bridge gets most of the glory when it comes to Bay Area Bridges. And when you think of the Bay Bridge, you most think of traffic, corrosion and lost chickens. But finally the Bay Bridge has been given a little credit, and because we all love it so much they are making another one. Yup, a Mini Bay Bridge is coming to San Francisco. No, it will not be a separate one that only goes to treasure island, this bridge will not even be over water, it will be in the downtown area and it will span over the busiest of roads (Mission Street) and act as a ramp for buses to go to the Trans Bay Terminal without clogging the traffic below them. It’s going to cost us $22 million dollars to build this thing, and they plan to build it just like the original Bay Bridge. Because apparently their motto is “if it’s broke, do it again!” I don’t know if this new tiny bridge will count in the Bay Area Bridge battle, which we do every week on this show. I also don’t know if they plan on adding the many cracks that are on the existing bridge. I guess only time will tell.
If you’re a middle aged woman on the verge of a mid-life crisis, you may recall the popular book Eat Pray Love. It’s the true store of a woman in a failing marriage who leaves her husband, goes on the trip of a lifetime and finds herself while eating pizza in Italy, meditating, and having sex with a European. It’s the recipe for happiness, apparently. But it looks like her time in Italy was spent eating more than just pasta, because the woman who wrote the book is gay now! Welcome to the club! I can’t believe no one drafted Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of a book from ten years ago, in our gay pool. But after divorcing her second husband she has realized that she’s in love with her best lady friend, who she’s been friends with for 15 years but now realizes she loves more than any man. She wrote a long post to her readers saying “She’s my role model, my traveling companion, my most reliable source of light, my fortitude, my most trusted confidante” Sooo, yup, definitely a lesbian. I will send them a vagwarming gift soon.
Before a long night of drinking, some of you might like to get into the gym and burn a few calories to make room for more beer. And though science tells us this does nothing for you calorie-wise, exercise and alcohol apparently go hand in hand and will even help you live longer. Not that you should do both at the same time, but studies have shown that exercising before or after you drink will help you not die from all the drinking that you’re doing. In fact, researchers found that if you exercise the recommended amount, you can have up to 8 drinks a week and not feel any negative health issues. It seems that doing a crunch or two will completely wipe away the horrible things that happen to your body when you drink too much. Which is good, because we don’t want you to die. We lose enough listeners as it is. So we’re doing you a solid here. (And no, picking a drink up and putting it to your lips repeatedly does not count as exercise.)
After getting several useless updates from our Apple farmer yesterday, we went and watched the official announcement from Tim Cook and his smart friends. And the result was the birth of a brand new iPhone and the death of millions of sets of headphones. And now, a message to my now useless headphones: Headphones, I tangled you in countless drawers, gym equipment, I’ve even used you as a cat toy. you will be greatly missed. But though apple took this from us, they are giving everyone a free adapter if they purchase the iPhone 7 which is fully equipped with a dual camera, stereo speakers, and Dead Eyes’ favorite feature, Force Touch! The other thing that comes with your new $650 phone is a set of the all new Bluetooth Air Pods, which the world already hates. Basically, they look like a set of regular headphones with the cord ripped out, which has caused all kinds of Twitter fury including people posting pictures with their electric toothbrush heads in their ears. One person even asked if their dog swallows them if they become Airbuds. So basically, Air Pods are the new Apple Pencil.
Ok, I’m speaking hypothetically here. Say you get a new couch. A beautiful couch. Only to have your cats scratch the crap out of it and make you angry that you can never have nice things. If this were me (which it’s not), you might question your decision to get a pet. You might say ‘was this decision really worth it?’ But then the way she looks at you when she shits in her litterbox makes it all worth while. And if you don’t believe me, believe science. Because they have just proven that owning a pet is good for you. And there are five main reasons for this, according to research. 1) It improves your mood and makes you feel a lot less lonely and depressed about your own life. 2) If you have a dog, they force you to get off the couch at least a couple times a day to walk them, which will help you live longer. 3) Pet owners tend to have lower blood pressure and lower cholesterol, so they make your heart healthy even though it’s full of hair. 4) They’re an instant ice breaker and will help you in social situations. For example when you have friends over and they are bored talking to you, you can always focus on the animal and why it’s dragging it’s ass across the carpet. And 5) the fact that your animal is tracking allergens into the house will actually help with allergies. Especially if there’s a new baby in the house, it will become immune to more allergens because it’s constantly around dirt and hair and bacteria. So pets turn babies into superbabies!