You might not be able to afford a home in the Bay Area, but Mark Zuckerburg can afford at least four of them (and counting.) It was a smart draft pick for Kevin and he’s got some points coming his way because Mark’s plan to build a giant compound around his Palo Alto house has just hit a giant roadblock. I guess you can’t always have everything you want, even if you’re a multi-billionaire, and it seems his building plan has been turned down by the city of Palo Alto. He bought the surrounding land after learning one of his neighbors planned to build a house tall enough to see through his master bedroom. His plan was to create a giant fortress so that no one could see the inside of his closet ever again, but the plans have been turned down by the city of Palo Alto because they think building a giant compound will ruin single family home feel of the neighborhood. Apparently that type of thing might work in Atherton, but in Palo Alto they have values!! I’m sure he’s now in the midst of finding a loophole, but until then Zuckerville will just have to wait. But after all the millions of dollars he’s spent getting privacy, you have to wonder. What is this guy hiding? Why is he so concerned with being seen? Is he a nudist? Does he dress up like a baby?? And get fed dinner out of a high chair?? The people deserve to know!
Scathing one star Yelp reviews have continued to pour in for our show ever since it began, but we are not alone. Every day restaurants, dry cleaners, even landmarks like the Golden Gate Bridge are failing to impress the people of the internet, yet we are at the mercy of their words. But there might just be a light at the end of this dark tunnel, because if Yelp loses this lawsuit they’re involved in in California, it could be the end of negative reviews all together. This all started because someone was writing ridiculously awful reviews about a certain law firm in California, and eventually the company took action. They said we have the right to protect our business, and you should have to take these posts down. A judge in San Francisco ruled in favor of the law firm, but if Yelp doesn’t get the suit overturned it could mean that more negative reviews getting taken down. But Yelp’s argument is that this violates free speech! This is America, where anyone can bitch about soggy fries! Moral of the story? Don’t piss off law firms.
People will try any weird exercise fad or diet program in order to lose a few pounds. Usually they don’t last long, because drinking lemon water and cayenne pepper gets old pretty fast. But I have a new routine that everyone can get down with. It’s something I already enjoy on a regular basis: smoke weed. I know it seems wrong, because weed is the gateway to Cheetos, but science is now telling us that smoking weed on a daily basis helps lower your BMI. In the study, they discovered people who smoked weed every day had a 3% lower BMI than those who didn’t. That was also taking into account people’s regular exercise routines (or lack thereof.) The possible reason for this was that smoking weed possibly helps break down your blood sugar faster. So, if you’re sick of surviving on bee pollen and fish oil, give some weed a try!
If you watched the Emmys this weekend you probably learned once again that we are running out of good shows. Game of Thrones has become that really smart Asian kid who gets every award at your school, because it’s very one-sided at this point. The show won again for best drama, Veep won again for best comedy. Maggie Smith won again for being able to deliver witty one liners in Downton Abbey, and Jeffrey Tambor won again his performance in Transparent. There were some new winners though, Tatiana Maslany finally won for Orphan Black. Sarah Paulson won for rocking a kick ass perm in the OJ Simpson series. Even Louie Anderson was a winner last night. That’s how you know Hollywood is running out of material. But the one person who can win over and over again and never get annoying is Julie Louis Dreyfus. She won the Emmy for best actress in a comedy series and she now has more awards than any other woman in this category. Also, her speech kicked ass. She made everyone laugh and cry in a thirty second period, first by apologizing for the current political status and then dedicating her award to her late father who passed away last Friday.
If you really want to get laid but it’s just not happening, it’s time to make a change. And you can start with your face. If you really want to get some, you need to grow some. Facial hair, that is. Believe it or not, we have breaking BEARD NEWS. Science has confirmed that if you have stubble or a beard, people will find you more attractive. Ladies, I’m talkin’ to you!! Let that five o clock shadow shine! Actually, this is a study geared toward men. But thousands of women were shown various pictures of guys, and were then asked to rate their attractiveness. They were shown men with various types of facial hair: some totally clean shaven, some with stubble, and some with full beards. The study revealed that women were more attracted to men with stubble, but only for short term flings. Men with beards were found more attractive for long term relationships, and people who are clean shaven are most likely in the friend zone. So if you want your sex life to change for the better, do less.
We may not have a wall across the border yet, but it seems people are getting ready for one regardless. I know humans are going to have a hard time crossing over into the states, but some are more concerned about how to get those precious drugs into the country. And we’re already finding that people are getting pretty creative, because the cops have just seized a homemade bazooka with a built-in air compressor that was likely being used to fling drugs over the border. If there are any more of these things, you might want to find out where they are so you can conveniently wait on the other side. The bazooka was constructed using a stolen hollowed out van, where they then cut a large hole in the top of it and shoved a large metal tube into it, fixed it with a motor and voila, homemade bazooka!