Something you’re eating at this very moment could be killing you. I won’t be like every other media source and make you wait until 11pm to find out what it is, I’ll just tell you now: It’s Eggo Waffles. Eating the toastable, dependable breakfast of champions could be the last meal you ever enjoy, so chew wisely. Eggos have joined the ranks of the many foods that recalled due to listeria, which comes at a horrible time because I have a feeling Eggo sales have spiked ever since Stranger Things came out. Ten thousand cases of Eggos have been recalled in 25 states because of a possible listeria outbreak, and if you didn’t already know listeria causes fever, headaches, stiffness, diarrhea, miscarriage, and death. So if you experience death, please contact your doctor.
Pumpkins spice is here, fall decorations have been in stores for months, and Halloween costumes are already offending people. And I’m not even talking about a Harambe + baby costume. Disney of all people is being criticized for a costume they’ve released for their upcoming moving Moana about a Polynesian God who is voiced by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. The costume features a grass skirt, a rope necklace, and then the rest of the costume is basically just tattooed Polynesian skin. Soo, the child who buys this costume is literally wearing the skin of another culture. It even has built in pads in the skin to accent the “physique” of the character. It is currently for sale online, but many are outraged saying this costume caricatures the Polynesian culture, and that when it comes to Halloween the rule should be “Make Halloween great…Don’t #Appropriate!” Which makes people want to offend more than ever before.
GoPro has been helping people make boring motorcycle and snowboarding videos for some time now, but believe it or not they have created an even better way for you to film all the cool action shots you seem to think you can get of yourself. And their latest new product comes in the form of an idiot-proof drone called the Karma drone. The use of drones until now hasn’t exactly given people good karma, but it’s given us great views of people’s backyards and bedroom windows. So why not expand on that? GroPro makes it easier than ever by giving you a drone that folds up and fits perfectly into a little backpack, so you can basically take a flying selfie stick with you everywhere you go! It even has “orbit mode” which allows the camera to circle around you, keeping the camera’s focus on you and your thrilling life every step of the way. It doesn’t have a mode where it follows you yet, but I imagine that is the next step. And when it comes, get ready for even more videos of people falling down on their mountain bikes.
Let’s talk about whether or not sex is better with the lights on. If you or your partner are below a 4 on the attractiveness scale, I would say go with lights off, no matter what. But in yet another study (which was probably done by scientists trying to figure out why they don’t get laid) they discovered that, especially for men, sex is better with the lights on. Specifically, they found that with men, exposure to light helps boost testosterone levels and has the ability to increase sexual satisfaction three fold. By the way, the name of the lead scientist on this is Professor Fagiolini, if that influences the study for you at all. They exposed a number of men with low libidos to various forms of light, and Fagiolini discovered that artificial light and actual daylight both brought their libido up significantly. Could this explain why people hook up more in the summer when there is a lot more daylight? Or are people just desperate for summer sex regardless? Professor Fagiolini is on the case.
Of all the technological advances in this world, I am most excited about this one. By far. I’ve been waiting for a reliable parking spot finder app for a long time. There are already apps that will have a person come and park your car for you, but an app that finds the best parking spot near your destination had yet to be created. Until now. Waze has finally announced the added “where to park” feature which shows you all of the closest garages, and you’ll even be able to select the garage of your choice and have the app bring you right to it. It claims to offer complete visualizations of where parking is light, where it’s heavy, and what you’ll pay at each spot. This is almost perfect because it shows which garages have spots available and what the rates are, but here’s what I need: Little drones flying around with parking cones that will tell me a parking spot has just opened in front of my destination. Once it alerts me, it will drop the cone and save the spot until I get there. Please, someone make this. Now.
If you’ve ever lost a job to a friend, or perhaps an old rival, the natural reaction is to get a bit jealous. Especially if someone gets a promotion over you, you have the added awkwardness of seeing that person every day. It might make you want to do things like put laxatives in their coffee, but one man has just been arrested for taking things a little too far. He was jealous that he did not get a 4th grade basketball coaching job, and became insanely jealous of the man that got the position over him. So he decided the best solution was to start mailing the other guy dead animals. The US Postal Service made sure the new employee received a dead skunk, and a dead raccoon with an note saying “Resign. It will not stop.” Then when that didn’t work he decided it was a good idea to call Child Services and say the employee was having a relationship with an underage student. It was then that he was reported, then caught, then arrested, and now he will probably never get a coaching job ever again. But I’m glad the postal service got a little business out of all this! What a happy ending.