Scamming and hacking gets worse with each passing day. You can’t even have an outdated Yahoo account without it getting hacked these days. But one of the latest scams that has just been discovered involves two things: Uber and zombies. ‘Ghost drivers’ are real and they are slinking around, scamming money from all of us. It works like this: As a passenger, you request a ride as usual. Uber finds you the nearest driver and says someone is picking you up soon. But when you go to look at who the driver is, they look like a zombie. The picture is so disturbing that the passenger then cancels their ride. When that happens, the driver gets five dollars. So basically they just go around and do this all day accepting rides as a zombie, and get paid $5 each time until it adds up to a decent amount of cash. If the passenger actually takes their chances and says “Sure, I’ll take a ride with a zombie!” the driver will start the ride without you being there, meaning you will likely be charged even more. So, Uber has said they are addressing this issue and finding ways to properly screen these profile pictures. But until then, beware of ghost drivers.
I don’t know if most of you are aware, but balls aren’t pretty. They’re withery, uneven, saggy, and the #1 reason why I am happy to be a lesbian. But who knows, this could change everything because scrotum botox is here! Scrotum botox, or “scrotox,” is the new trend when it comes to beautifying your genitals. It’s sort of like the new vajazzling. It’s a simple procedure, injecting botox into the scrode. The operation costs around $3000 and promises to help with sweating, reduce the appearance of wrinkles and helps make the scrotum appear larger. This isn’t necessarily a new procedure, but doctors say they’ve seen a big surge in recent days of men wanting prettier balls. Requests have doubled! Doctors are saying “These men are also becoming interested in the cosmetic appearance of the actual penis and scrotum itself. It’s a trend that people will start hearing more about, as there is significant demand.”
There have been a lot of scary things going on the world as of late, and as a result everyone is on high alert. On high alert to the point where a lone rice cooker at a bus stop can prompt an entire bomb squad to close off downtown San Francisco. I’m sure a rice cooker is one of the less weird things that have been found on the streets of the Bay Area, but these days we’d rather be safe than sorry. A Muni driver was the one who called the police yesterday morning and told the police about the suspicious pot that contained no rice, and for two hours the bomb squad examined it before finally determining that it was not armed or dangerous. But then, in a striking turn of events, another abandoned rice cooker was called in. Roughly 30 minutes after that rice cooker was declared safe, there was another rice cooker found under the I-80 overpass on Mason Street, and THAT intersection was closed off as they examined THAT rice cooker, which was also not armed. So, of course after what happened in New York we want to make sure everything is safe, but why are so many people losing rice cookers in the Bay Area?? Are they tough to hang on to? Or perhaps in both cases the “free” sign had just blown away?
There’s no one we hate dealing with more than the FCC. They’re the ones who tell us all the words we can’t say on the radio. But they have it pretty bad too, because on a regular basis they have to deal with people who get offended very easily and are appalled by everything they hear and see. One little round of hymenomedy and everyone’s panties are in a bunch. But they have just released some of the many complaints they received during the Olympic events this year. From people’s swimsuits being too revealing, too many ED commercials during the breaks, to too many slow-mo shots of flopping genitals, people complained about everything. One person wrote “The track and field events are nothing short of minor pornography and should be rated R to NC17 clothing that is to tight exposing male genitals is NOT what I had in mind when sitting with my family last night. Something needs to be done. Less Camera time and Slow Motion Of These Runners flip Flopping their way across [sic] the finish line. These athletes should be required to wear an athletic [sic] supporter or precautions should be put in place by the broadcasting network to create a more comfortable family friendly program.” All of this just makes me really want this person to sit around the couch with their family and give our show a listen.
We’ve got about a month before basketball starts, but people are already getting hyped up for the new season. Everyone can’t wait to see what’s in store for the Warriors with our newest hero Kevin Durant, but what about all that groin kicking that happened last season? How many more people will be kicked in the balls by Draymond Green? His suspension has left many questions unanswered in the NBA, but this season refs say they will be cracking down on all the “unnatural acts” that have been taking place on the court. They had their preseason meetings and decided that things like flailing arms and groin kicks need to be given much closer looks, so expect more penalties than ever before. The other thing they’ll be cracking down on is travelling. Apparently it’s something that has been long critiqued in the NBA, and refs say this season they will not let it slide. So get ready to hear a lot of whistle blowing and mouth guard throwing.
One of the most awkward parts of a friendship is when a friend owes you money. It’s been months, they haven’t paid you back, you feel awkward asking because you don’t want to sound like a greedy a-hole, but they obviously don’t remember that they need to give you your damn money!! But Facebook is here to solve all of your awkward friendship problems. They help you remember birthdays, help you decline events like their crappy comedy shows, they’ll even help you remember how you know that person in the first place. But now you can passive aggressively hound them for money using the new chat assist feature. When you’re talking to someone who owes you a couple bucks, just type in the letters IOU and an automated message will come up asking if you want to send them a reminder. If you do, tagged onto the end of the message will be a little notification asking you to “pay Ally $18.” The person can then click on that to easily send a payment. So it doesn’t exactly make it less awkward, but it does make it easier. Just another feature Facebook is adding to make one dimensional relationships stronger than ever.