Carrie Fisher. Debbie Reynolds. George Michael dying on Christmas Day?! Yes, 2016 claimed many lives and just before it was finally over it had to take one more life away from us. The man who made it possible for everyone to party without having to wash a single glass. The inventor of the red solo cup has gone on to a better place. Leo Hulseman died at the age of 84, but he leaves behind him a legacy filled with beer pong, flip cup, chandelier, and drunkenly stacking cups on top of one another and feeling a sense of accomplishment. I didn’t know there was an actual “Red Solo Cup Company,” but there is and it is 100% family owned. Leo took it over from his father and decided the world needed bigger, redder, plastickier cups that could easily fit an entire beer. Obviously, he was right. And obviously it was an overnight sensation that never lost popularity. Sure, they tried to get crazy making those blue ones, but there’s nothing like taking a red plastic cup, writing your name on it, setting it down on a coffee table and never finding it again. So Leo, you are now with all the forgotten cups of the world and we thank you for making it easier than ever for us all to get drunk. RIP.
You might say you don’t give an f*ck when bad things happen. You might shout from the rooftops and say you couldn’t give a flying f*ck about the election or any number of things. But the truth is, you do give an f*ck. All of us do. In fact, we give so many f*cks that we said it nearly a billion times on social media this past year. It is quite possibly the most used word online. According to extensive data on the use of f*ck, two million people used the word every single day. We wish we could say it every day on the morning show, but the FCC would give us another F word: a fine. But you don’t have to bite your tongue on social media. Which is why people use it as much as humanly possible. The day people used the F word the most was, you guessed it, the day after Donald Trump was elected president. On November 9th the word f*ck was used 7.5 million times. And who was using this word the most? Women definitely used the word more than men, and who was it directed to most? Donald Trump (obviously)Hilary, Obama, Bernie, and the top slot went to “Local Hotties” and here’s why: Spambots. Sexy bots are constantly telling us to “f*ck local hotties” in our area, which is why it easily took the number one slot.
I know we got a crappy gift from our boss over the holidays, and there are a lot of people who were disappointed by the gifts they did or didn’t receive. But this year the Bay Area got one of the greatest gifts of all (Other than Trent Baalke and Chip Kelly being fired.) People who rent here in the Bay Area, which is pretty much everyone, are getting the gift of internet. A new ordinance has just been passed saying that if there is a building with multiple tenants, the landlord cannot force you to use a certain internet service. They can’t limit your options and say “oh we only use DirectTV, or Tommy’s DSL or whatever it is. We now have the right to use whatever internet we want, wherever we want. Officials said they believe internet access is now a fundamental right and that it is now virtually impossible to interact on a daily basis without access to the internet, so it should be illegal to deny people this right in any way, shape or form.
Well, it’s 2017 and we already have good news for the Bay Area. People wrote it on their cars, they tweeted about it every Sunday, they screamed it at their TV screens time and time again, and now the prayers of 49ers fans have finally been answered. Trent Baalke has been fired as the General Manager. But who will take on this crapstorm of awful? Who is up for the challenge of turning a once good team into a great one once again? Well they already have two interviews scheduled for this week, and they are both executives currently working for the Packers. We could go from Trent Baalke to Brian Gutekunst, who is the director of player personnel for the Packers. “Fire Gutekunst” doesn’t roll off the tongue as easy, so it could be promising. The other person they’re interviewing is a guy named Eliot Wolf (which is a lot easier to pronounce so I vote for him.) But they also have to find a new head coach now that Chip Kelly is gone, and they’ve requested interviews with some people from the Patriots. But the fact of the matter is that no matter who we hire, Jed York is still the owner of the team. He made that very clear and said we must not dismiss him, and that we need to trust he will work with the newly appointed victims to “get this thing right.” Which sounds like a broken record at this point but hey, all we can really do is sit on our asses and hope. And hope that Colin Kaepernick gets the hell out of the Bay Area
Ronda Rousey has had a pretty rough year. She lost to Holly Holm, then took a bunch of time off and made a huge comeback, had a big fight on Friday against Amanda Nunes, everyone thought she would reclaim her title and she was out for the count in 48 seconds. It looked pretty easy to kick her ass, so she most certainly did not enjoy celebratory chicken wings after the fight, but she also didn’t enjoy the slew of insults that came her way on social media. A music video was created, people were calling her a pussy, telling her never to fight again that she’s done and needs to retire. Amanda Nunes even chimed in with a photoshopped picture of Ronda Rousey as a crying baby in a stroller. Man, people really know how to kick a woman when she’s already been kicked in the head many times. But a few people have come to her rescue and stood up for her, attempting to end all the shaming. Kobe Bryant for one:
Lebron James made a point to say “In sports, in general, they build you up as high as they can, put you on the highest mountain in the world, just to tear you down. That’s coming from somebody who has experienced it. And that’s exactly what she’s going through right now. That’s a fact. I know exactly how she feels because I was that athlete. I went through that.” And perhaps most importantly, fellow UFC champion Jon Jones: “My advice to Ronda would be to pick yourself up and try again,” said Jones on Twitter, just after the fight. “I believe Rousey will be a champion for the rest of her life, even if she never wins another fight.”
It’s another year of life, another year of aging, and another year of figuring out how to stop aging. But thanks to people are smarter than us, we’re getting closer. Right now for example, scientists are studying people they call “Superagers” and figuring out what makes them tick. These are people who are aging, but their brains are still operating at the level of a 25 year old. While most of us can’t remember a person’s name or what pants they wore the other day, these people are maintaining perfect brain function. So scientists are studying them like crazy to try and figure out how we can all be superagers. What they’ve figured out is that these smart cookies have a certain part of their brain that is thicker and more developed than us lamoes. The part of their brain that handles language, stress, and memory and attention is very well developed. So if we don’t want our brains to atrophy into mush, we need to work on this part of our brain so we can age like superheroes. And how do we do that? Apparently through really strenuous, shitty work that you don’t want to do. In order to work on this part of your brain, you need to constantly perform difficult mental and physical tasks, to the point where it hurts. Meaning you can’t just do a Sudoku puzzle every once in a while and call it a day. You need to do something so challenging that you feel “tired, stymied, and frustrated.” That’s how to know it’s working. So if you’re willing to put yourself through constant excruciating pain, you’ll be less catatonic in the future. I think I’ll stick to the occasional Sudoku puzzle, which still brings me brain pain.